#2377 - Carrot Top

[00:00] Joe Rogan podcast check it out the Joe Rogan experience train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day. All right. Good to see you my man. Well thanks for having me back. Very very good. It's very funny you're you brought a box of your stuff and one of them immediately started going off like it's an alarm. What is that? It was a FedEx box? Yeah. It was a [00:27] It's that commercial that runs for late night [00:30] Viagra Cialis. And it says, hey, we'll send you your Cialis and Viagra in unmarked white envelopes. And I would say, fuck that. I want just the opposite. I want my neighbors to know I'm getting laid. I want my neighbors to know I have a dick, a hard dick. So it's got sirens and whistles. My dick's hard. My dick is, yeah. [00:46] And that's engineering. We were just talking about you the other night at the comedy club. We were like, he owns props. Like, you can't do props now. When I was a kid, when I first started doing stand-up, and I'm sure you too, [01:00] Sure. [01:01] There was a bunch of guys. Yeah, the WID. The WID. Yeah, there was quite a few guys that were really good. They were prop comics. But you became so successful as a prop comic, you kind of stole the market. Oh, yeah. [01:13] There's no young comics coming up. Nobody wants to be a Kara Tom, I think. I don't think that's it. I think that's what it is. You know what shit I still get? Well, you got shit for a long time. I don't think you get shit anymore. No, not as much, no. But you still get the aftermath of it. Like, just on the plane today, some people are like, I don't care what... What are you doing? I said, I'm doing Rogan. They say, oh, man, I don't care what everybody else says. You're funny. I'm like, who's everybody else? What kind of compliment is that? Yeah, well, I get that a lot. The backhanded, shitty compliments. Hey, I personally think you're funny. That kind of stuff.

[01:42] Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm one of the rare. Yeah. I'm one of the rare ones who thinks you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I can't, you know, I had to beg my mom to come. She did not want to come. [01:52] Yeah, it's such a weird thing. We get a lot of that, right? Well, we talked about that the last time. I think you took way too much shit from comedians, and I never understood it. The weird thing that comedians do or they hate on other comedians, like, good Lord, we live in a world that is filled with war and famine and disease and pollution and garbage and chaos and corruption. [02:17] And you want to concentrate on a prop comic? Is that really what the problem is in this world? Right. Isn't that true? [02:24] Yeah, and it's almost always comics that are doing better than you. Yes. I think we tried breaking it down last time as to why. And I think it was only because I think, one, I did get successful. And it wasn't quick, quick, but it was quicker than maybe most. Because I hit the scene right at the right time. I had the act that was... [02:41] It was a good act. It was perfect for television, right? Because it's visuals. Yeah. And I got a little success then. I think people were like, you know what? They would ask Jay, you know, why do you have Carrot Top on like every month? And Jay was like, you know, he brings the gun. He doesn't die. He does. [03:01] But I do remember – [03:05] Thank you. [03:06] The comedy – the evening at the improv, and I played mostly that in the other one, the Cheesecake Factory, where it was. And then the comedy store was more – it admits he loved me, but I never really played there a lot.

[03:21] Bud loved me. One night, I came in. I said, you know, I had my little back. Bud Friedman from the Improv. Improv, sorry. Yeah. And I had my box of stuff. And he always loved me. You know, he says, oh, man, you know, there's no spots tonight. And I said, I'm... [03:35] I drug it all the way, you know, fuck. And he's like, let me, let me, I'll see if I can get you in somewhere. [03:42] The Tonight Show, bookers were there that night. Jim McCauley and these people were there to watch comics and pick them for The Tonight Show. So he's like, hey, you know what? I'm going to slide you in. [03:53] they're going to love you. So I go up, and I had the best set ever I've ever had. It was just a magical night, and I don't know if I was just – I knew they were there. Every comic was coming. I'm going, Jesus, dude, fuck – I mean, leveled it, right? [04:07] Jim McCauley walks up and he says, that was amazing. And I said, oh, thanks. [04:12] I say you booked the Tonight Show. You think that maybe I could get on? [04:15] And he said, not a chance in hell. And I was like, I had just killed. I go, why? He says, you're not, Johnny would never book you. And I said, why? I said, you booked the show, right? He goes, he would never allow it. I said, why? Johnny Carson. Yeah. I said, why? He says, he hates variety. [04:37] What a weird thing to hate. And I stopped in the middle of my – and I'm like, the whole fucking Tonight Show's variety. Yeah. Karnak, throwing the hatchets, every fucking thing they do. Right. Ed McMahon's a fucking prop, right? The whole thing is variety. They bring on animals. Animals. You think I'm kidding, right? So I'm like, well, okay. And then finally – I mean, I'm talking like –

[04:57] Two weeks after Johnny left, I was on... [05:00] with Jay. And it was just like literally. But the weird part about it was it still was the same studio. You know, they had the blue, you know, the gold stars. You're standing right where Johnny was. And the same like Ed DeCordova was still in the booth and everyone was still like, [05:15] there. Yeah. So you felt like it was the Tonight Show, but how weird is that? Like, no, you know, I don't like variety. And then I would get singled out because I would do Leno so many times. I'd ask if I could do Letterman. They said, no, you're Team Leno. I'm like, it's like that Twilight movie. I'm a Team fucking whatever. There's two teams. Thank God that doesn't exist in podcast. That disgusting fucking thing where if you were on one person's side, you're the enemy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [05:45] Orlando. How stupid is that? That's what I was, I guess. Well, it was such famine thinking back then because, you know, there was only a certain amount of shows. No, you know it's not a wig. It's on there. Well, I never thought it was a wig. No, people have. That thing on straight. Isn't it weird that women can wear wigs? No problem at all. A man wears a wig. It's pretty pathetic. Oh, yeah. You're a loser. Absolutely. A man with a hairpiece. Nice hairpiece. Yeah. Yeah. [06:09] Or implants. You know, I lived in L.A. This is true. I lived in L.A. I'd go to Gold's Gym. [06:15] And my hair was even more out of control. I had big ass hair. I had big fucking arms and these ladies were behind me and they're like, "Oh my God, look at that woman's arms." Seriously, I had makeup and into the whole nine yards. They were just amazing. They came over and they said, "How do you get your arms that big?" And I turned around and said,

[06:34] I don't know, you know, arm workout. And she's like, oh, and I could see their face turning. I go, it's a dude. But I was kind of, you know, pretty then. You know, it's like, you know, the younger, a lot of hair, makeup. So, and then that same gym one day, I'm working out, and this guy says, um, [06:49] nice arms I said thanks he's like who did the work right and I thought he's making I said I didn't I put in the fucking work you know like who works out for me he said no no no I mean implants right I'm like [07:04] Only in L.A. would you have someone at a gym walk up and say, oh, yeah, implants? Yeah, I have implants. You fucking go to the gym and you do curls. At the gym, lifting out, assuming that someone has implants is pretty wild. But I don't have that big of a... I mean, this guy thought... Well, that's how gross L.A. is. Yeah, it is. That's like the default assumption is that everything's fake. Yeah, no matter what. Where'd you get your butt? Who did your butt? Who did your butt? [07:29] Where'd you get your nose done? Yeah, it's always something. Everything. No, it's true. [07:34] your plugs. [07:34] Yeah, no one wants to believe that you're natural. [07:36] another thing I got to I just had a guy today at the airport he said hey you still working out and I'm like [07:45] You're supposed to say, I see you're still working out, right? You don't ask him if you're still working out. That means you don't look like you're working out. Well, I think he's probably just trying to start a conversation with you. Yeah. He doesn't know how to get about it. No, I did. I said, you mean I see you're still – and he goes, yeah, what did I say? I said, you said, do you still work out? Yeah. [08:01] Yeah. And what's the answer to that? You just say yes? I say no. No. You're done? Yeah. Yeah.

[08:06] No, I'm not feeling well I'm dying Oh, you didn't hear? It's radiation poisoning [08:16] Something happened. One of my toys. They always say you lift light. I hate that, too. I'm in the gym and like, you always lift light. [08:22] I guess it means I don't lift. I do weights. I don't do heavy weights. I don't have spotters. I just do cables and do some dumbbells. But people always say that. You always work light. [08:35] I'm heavy for me. [08:36] People are silly. [08:38] There's a lot of people that just don't know what to say. They meet someone famously. They don't know what to say. They just get weird. They do. And then afterwards, they probably leave and go, why the fuck did I say that? Jesus Christ. I feel so stupid. I've done that before. Meet famous people, act like an idiot, and you're like, what? Shit. [08:57] Sorry to try to give people a little grace. [09:00] I'm so true of that. If I see celebrity, I'm like, oh, I'm not going to. Hey, pan. I'm going to fuck it up, really, right? Do you get a lot of people coming to your shows that are famous? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [09:10] We have a guy last night. We had a guy here. Chris Jericho was at the show this night. He said hi to you. The wrestler? Yeah. Oh, cool. Real nice guy. [09:19] This summer, the Cup is taking over the U.S., and only DraftKings has you covered every step of the way. Follow every group stage upset, every knockout round thriller, every stoppage time moment that flips the whole tournament. Sweat all the big matches you love in real time with a seamless experience built for the world's biggest stage. No matter where you're watching, you're always connected and in the game with one app. Yes, that means you in New York.

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[11:28] with code rogan spend five bucks to get 200 in rewards within 21 days that's code rogan in partnership with draft kings the crown is yours gambling problem call 877-8-hope-and-wire text hope and why 467-369-21 and over new york only eligibility restrictions apply bonus bets expire seven days after issuance for additional terms and responsible gaming resources cdkng.co slash audio limited time offer [11:55] You've been at the Luxor for how long now? 19, coming up on 20. That's crazy. Yeah, November 20. You probably have the longest residency of anybody in Vegas. I think they were just talking, but they don't count because one only talks. Ah! [12:11] They've been there forever. They've been there forever, yeah. I remember I saw them there in 94. [12:17] 94? 98. I saw them there in 98. Yeah, they're still... At the Rio. Back when the Rio was nice. Yeah, right? Now it's like you've got to wear a bulletproof vest to watch it. They should just light it up, Shethole. It's a weird place. [12:29] But it's weird how some of those places, they just fall off. They just get tired, and they don't want to go there anymore. But then if they last long enough, then they become like Circus Circus where they're fun. Right, right. It's fun to go there. No, it is. And in Luxor, they just did a whole big revamp on it. It's a beautiful hotel. Every time I walk in, it's spectacular to see how they made that. Well, I'm obsessed by Egypt. So for me, it's like I wish the Luxor was the best hotel. I'd stay there every time.

[12:59] because it's a fucking giant pyramid. We actually did a Fear Factor stunt. [13:04] Oh, yeah, for sure. Thank you. For you. We did a Fear Factor stunt where people had to slide down the Luxor once. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's crazy. They had to, like, grab flags on the way down. They had to slide down. All right, see, I'm not doing that. Yeah, I don't want to. Jesus. It was pretty crazy. Pretty ridiculous. Pretty ridiculous. [13:18] Back in the day. That is crazy. Yeah. 20 fucking years, man. That's a long-ass time to be doing a residency. [13:24] So before that, you were doing colleges and you were touring. Do you miss any of that? You do a little touring every now and then. We do a little touring now and then, but it's only when I get the off time. So if I get a week off, like I'm here. [13:40] I could be home in my boat, but I'm here. Right. Right. [13:43] Um... [13:44] I do road shows, but you've got to take a break here and there because you can't kill yourself. I like the touring. I like the bus. You feel like a rock star. You pull up on a bus, and you've got the big venue, and there's a sound check, and there's people. We have the deluxe, but not like people hanging out by the bus. I get people like, hey, you fucked my mom. I'm like, great. [14:08] Remember? I know you're getting old. 84? Remember that? I used to remember. Remember you fucked me? Now, hey, you fucked my mom. [14:14] You blew my grandpa. It'll be something. Wait, his grandpa blew me. Your grandpa blew me. Let's get this straight. Your grandpa's a liar, first of all. First of all, your grandpa's a liar. He's dead. I'm sorry. [14:28] On his deathbed. You know, carrot top, blooming one.

[14:34] Thank God he's dead. You can't tell anybody. The one thing that's good about not touring, though, because I mostly just work my club now, is... [14:41] I never feel tired. Like, the traveling tiredness is horrible. You realize how bad it is to be flying all the time. That is one great advantage of having the show every night at the Luxor, because I leave my house. Yeah, sleep in your own bed. Oh, yeah. I'm home by 10, 30, 11, latest. That is a huge plus. That's a huge plus. Yeah, because the road is. It can tear you up. But like I said, there's ups and pluses and minuses of it. It's fun. You're in a rock band, you know. [15:11] For me, this is the first time in my life where I haven't toured the last few years, the last three, four years. Man, it's nice. Well, I guess three years ago I was touring still. Like two years, the last two years, since the club opened, I just stopped. [15:27] And it's been amazing. I love it. [15:29] Perfect. You know, all my friends are doing arenas. They send me pictures. I'm like, have fun. I don't want to do it. I know. I fucking want to get out there. I probably will once I make a new hour, because right now I'm at like 40 something minutes. Once I get a full new hour, I'll probably do some some tour dates just for the fuck of it. But yeah, but being at home has giant advantages. It's you don't realize like how much you're destroying your body. [15:55] Until you stop doing it. You know? Oh, it's, you know. [15:59] Yeah, having the show is nice for that reason, too. I mean, you have a normal day. I had a dog for a bit. You can take a dog and go to work and come home. Yeah.

[16:09] Watching SportsCenter at 10.30 and bed by 11. Do you feel weird living in Vegas? Vegas is an odd place. Yeah. [16:17] It's like you have to find. Well, I live in the Summerlin area where it's like normal. Yeah, so it's a normal suburbia. But then you go to work inside the Devil's Balls. Then I go inside the Devil's Balls is a good way to put it. And then I leave down the shaft back to Summerlin. It spits right out the tip. Yeah, at the tip into Summerlin. Whew, we're home. That was hell. I mean, I find it funny. There's a college there and a big college, UNLV. [16:46] Hey, I want to go to college. And they're like, oh, right on. Where are you going to go? Michigan, Iowa? And you're like, I'm thinking about Vegas. It's good to college, though. How are you fucking not going to Vegas for college? My buddy Sam Tripoli went there. Yeah? Yeah. It's good to college. I mean, it's a good college, I'm just saying. It is weird. For the joke purposes. Well, it seems like Vegas has become more of a community now, right? They have the Raiders now. Yeah. Aren't they getting a major league? The Golden Knights. Yeah. What's the Golden Knights? What are they? The hockey. Hockey. Right. That's right. They've got a hockey team now. Always have fights. There's fights. Oh, yeah. [17:16] Oh, yeah, right. Some kind of boxing or UFC event or something. And they're talking of building the baseball stadium, I think, during the A's? [17:25] That's nice. What's going to be? The Vegas A's? That's going to be weird. Yeah. [17:29] I guess, yeah, I don't know. Is it the Vegas Raiders? Is that what they call themselves? Yeah, Las Vegas Raiders. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah. [17:35] Everyone in the comments is like, Oakland Raiders, you can't say Oakland Raiders. It takes a long time. People will say Washington Redskins, every Christopher Collinsworth last week.

[17:49] What do they call themselves now, the Redskins? The Commanders. [17:54] Hmm. [17:56] And you're talking, this is pretty good. I'm like a sports guy. I know this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Commanders. [18:02] Yeah, Vrenskid's a weird one. Washington Commanders. That one's problematic. [18:06] Yeah. [18:06] Well, there's a lot of them, I guess. Some article someone did, it was really great. It broke down everything that could be. [18:14] Like the Braves, the thing, the Chiefs, they went through all these different things. We'd have to get rid of everything. How about Notre Dame? The only thing left was like the dolphins. Right. It's a dolphin. You can't hurt a dolphin. Yeah, but then there's dolphins in captivity. Right. It's kind of gross that you're capitalizing on dolphins in captivity. Right. There was a lot of people that were upset about the Notre Dame using the Fighting Irish, using that little leprechaun guy. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. I think they're going to have a problem with everything. [18:44] Yep. Yep. That's all it is. You ever get protested? [18:47] No. No, I haven't, but I thought... [18:55] I had a nightmare one night that I did. It would just be people outside the Luxor just mad about something. No, but I've thought about that because I know people have been. Have you been? Oh, yeah. See, that's so strange. Yeah, minor, just a bunch of people mad about something. [19:12] We hate bald guys. It's always something. Whatever it is. People just get upset. It's always a small group of people because it's actually organized by actual humans versus these crowdfunded ones where they show up on tour buses and they all have professionally made signs. They hand them to them. They're all getting paid to protest. That's a weird thing that they're doing today. Those are crazy.

[19:35] That didn't exist when I was a kid, like paid protesters. I don't think so. I was watching a documentary on it on YouTube the other day. They followed this woman who is a professional... [19:46] paid protester. And she goes from [19:49] pre-Palestine to this to that. She's been doing it for years. She goes from one protest to the next. That's her job. That's her job, yeah, and she makes, you know. [19:59] X amount, $100 a day. Wow. And they fly around. [20:03] Fox, stays at the Four Seasons, maybe I'll start doing this. I think that kind of should be illegal. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, because it's kind of a lie. It's kind of fraud. It's beyond fraud. Yeah. And whoever's funding it. [20:15] is right? Who's paying them? [20:18] It's usually NGOs, non-government organizations that get taxpayer money, unfortunately. But it's a weird thing where you're pretending that these people are outraged when they really just want a sandwich. Right, right, right. You see them all the time on the news, yeah, and people don't know the real, right? They don't know they're not real. No, but they get exposed. Until someone points it out like you just did, and then they get exposed, and then people are like, no. You're just listening to the hype of the – what do you call it? [20:42] You know, the – what do you call it? When they say something – propaganda? Propaganda. Or the other one where they're like, oh, it's just – the world's flat and that kind of – conspiracy theories. Oh, yeah. So I love those because I – with my dad working at NASA, I would always answer – ask people like, what do you think? [21:02] What did your dad do at NASA? He was an engineer.

[21:06] He trained the astronauts in the simulators. Was he involved in faking the moon landing? Nice. Yes. Yes. [21:14] I wish my dad was alive. He'd punch you right now. Would he? Oh yeah. I'm hard to punch. I slip. I move. Yeah. No, because we just had a discussion backstage, oh god dang, a couple days ago. I don't know what, something happened about a flag or something. It was something about a flag. A flag waving on the moon? No, it was something about a flag, like burning flag, something. And I said, my friend said, that's an interesting question. I wonder if the flag is still on the moon. [21:43] And I said... [21:44] that's a great question. Like, it was one of those, you had to break it down, right? Yeah. So I'd say, well, my dad would know, and I guess I'm, and I'm not the brightest guy, but I would, I would do like an engineer and would break it down. Well, there's not, [21:55] you know it's [21:56] there's no wind on the moon, I mean there might be cosmic, something wind up there, but it's not, right? And there's nothing that's going to deteriorate the flag, so it's... [22:04] Probably still there. Unless it got hit by micrometeorites. Well, something. Other than that, it would be – right. There's no atmosphere in the moon, or a very, very thin atmosphere. So it gets pelted all the time. Right, right. That's what I mean. The only thing that was probably right, but it's – unless how deep the fuckers put it. But my dad trained him to drive that little lunar rover. Oh. And so the joke I was going to put in the show, I said, you know, NASA can now – [22:27] They're good. They can zoom in. And look at it. So here's the NASA zoom in on the moon. You see the flag. See, I told you the fucking moon's still there. And then we pan over and there's the Land Rover, but it's up on blocks and they've looted it and taken all the wheels off of it. So see the fucking thing.

[22:44] They've already stole it. They've already... They did take photos. I think it was India. [22:52] Was it India or China? One of the satellites that they had hovering the moon took – [22:59] appropriately blurry, ambiguous photos of what they claim was the landing site, like where the lunar module was and where the buggy is. Well, that would be the punchline. Of course it's still there in some soundstage in L.A., you know. I think the soundstage is probably in Vegas. [23:17] I think it was out in the desert. It might be near Summerlin. It might be near my house. Could be. I think it's out where they do UFO back engineering. Yeah, maybe. [23:28] That's another weird thing. You're right where the Luxor is, is right across the street from where those guys take off to go work at Area 51. Yeah, my brother flew those. Really? Yeah. [23:39] Whoa. Here's the crazy thing. I probably, you know, my brother was Air Force, and so he retired Air Force. [23:47] F-16 fighter jet pilot. And now for about three years, he flew those red-striped planes. And the weird thing is I'm in the Luxor. [23:56] When I first got the gig... [23:58] And I was in my room, it was at the top of the... [24:00] Not on the light. That would be a horrible room to be in. People are like, is your room with the light on it? Yeah, my room was with the light on it. For people that don't know, there's a giant spotlight. But they actually had it toned down. Yeah. Because it was interfering with flights. It was, indeed. Yeah. [24:14] There's three things you can see from outer space, by the way. The Great Wall of China.

[24:18] The Luxor Light and My Cock. Thank you. I'm here all week. Try the wings. I'm actually here all week. All week. [24:27] So, [24:29] So I'm looking out the window, right? Every morning I would look out and I'd see the planes and I didn't know they were. I thought they were some private guy, you know, a big billionaire that has all these jets out there. They were blue. So I thought, oh, this is another billionaire, red jets. [24:44] There's four channels on my TV, almost like when I was a kid, right? And the Luxor was just the Luxor channel and then, you know. So the Luxor channel would have on a loop every day, this goddamn thing about the red striped planes. [24:55] And this is real, right? So I'm watching it and like no one in the world knows where these red striped planes are. They fly out of a secret location. [25:05] I swear to God, in the West, I'm like, I'm looking out my window like, they're fucking right there. And it's serious. Like, no one knows for years. People are trying to discover where the red planes fly in and out of. I'm like... [25:17] This is a joke. So I called my brother and I said, this thing says that you're like top secret. You don't fly anymore. I don't know who you're talking about. My brother can't tell me. He wouldn't tell me. I just thought that was so crazy. I'm like, there's a whole show saying there's no red planes and there's a mystery to if you could find them. And I'm like, everybody knows where they are. Just zoom in and take a picture of it. That's ridiculous. Everybody literally knows where they are. Yeah. You could see them from Mandalay Bay. Unless they are fake ones. [25:47] The decoy. The decoy. Yeah, just like the 747, then they have the other 747. Yeah, when Bob Lazar was working on back-engineering UFOs, allegedly, that's where he used to fly out of. They'd pick him up there, and he'd fly over to Area S4.

[26:03] Quick little flight. [26:05] out into the middle of Groom Lake. [26:07] quick layover and come back. And they'd get out and they'd say, figure this thing out. Jeez. [26:13] Allegedly. Allegedly, yeah. Supposedly looks like that. [26:16] That one right there. Right. Well, I thought that was a symbol of ACDC's album. Doesn't it? It looks a little bit like that. No, that's the sport model. That's what Bob supposedly was working on. [26:27] In Area 51. Yeah. [26:30] Yeah, who knows? [26:31] it's fun. [26:33] Yeah, I love all that space stuff, yeah. But when you're looking at those actual planes... [26:38] I'd like to talk to one of those guys. [26:41] They tell you, though, then... [26:42] They're fucked. [26:43] Oh, yeah, like my brother's like, what are you talking about? He would not. No, he said, I work in and out. No, you don't. You fly those planes. Tell me more. He wouldn't tell you nothing? No. Even if they put the phones down and go for a walk? No, no. Nothing? Your own brother? Yep. Yep. [26:58] If you were my brother, I'd tell you. Would you? Fuck yeah. I would too. I can't keep a secret. That's probably why I never worked there. That's probably why you're not in the mirror. That's probably why they wouldn't hire you. People always ask me, like, does anybody ever tell you, like, secret, top secret information? I'm like, no, I have a big fucking mouth. You're not going to tell me. Exactly right. If they told me that UFOs are real, I'd be like, look, I'm sorry. Maybe they're going to put me in jail, but I have to tell you people. I always have that question, too, honestly, about people that have had security clearances and that. And then they revoke them. [27:26] And they get rid of him. [27:28] My biggest... You can take those off. I know these fucking heads. Those are not working. Yeah, these aren't working. Something about your hair and those things. My physique. Let's just go headsetless. Oh, my God. Feel better? It was a struggle. Can I take my pants off, too? You can take your pants off. This is a pants-free zone. This is a no-head phone, no-pants-wearing zone. You probably have extra pants in there anyway. Don't you? Oh, I do probably have something in there. I knew I used to have them. Do you even know what's in there? Do you structure your show, or do you just reach in and start grabbing stuff?

[27:58] The show is structured... [27:59] But when I come and do little things, there's not at all. There's nothing zero. Do you ever do guest sets at a comedy club? I used to do it. I used to make a thing like that. Do you do it these days, though? No. No? Never? I mean, to kind of do it like this is what I'm doing today with Tony, I bring a little – Right. Tony Love. Last time you did it. It was very fun. I saw some clips. Yeah, he said to me, I was at home, I said, I really don't want to do props. I want to talk. I want to do – I want to be not carrot top. He says, but that's what I want. I want you to be that. And he was right. [28:29] Because he was right. Both. It was both, right. Yeah. It was fun to talk, be funny without doing props, and then go in and show some of the stuff. And he was beside himself. Are you here to buy that? I'm here. No. [28:42] No. Too bad. Tonight and... I have a show there tomorrow night. Ah, shit, I would... I was going to say, it'd be fun if you... Oh, that would be awesome. Pulled the box up on stage. Oh, man, I would have done that in a heartbeat. Another time. You'll be back. Yeah, yeah. Next time I was playing on that. Yeah, that would be awesome. That would be fun. You'll get kicked out of it. Absolutely, yeah. I just had Ron White come up on stage... [29:00] just last Friday. Oh, he was in Vegas? He was in Vegas, and he came out, and you know Ron's just a hoot. He says, uh, [29:08] He comes in and I said, you know, I said, well, I thought, you know, what do you want me to do? I said, you just just do what I you know, don't you know, to stress out. Don't come out and do 20 minutes. Just I think just poke your head out. I have a I had a I have a bit in my act.

[29:22] where I talk about my dad working at NASA and training astronauts. And it says, like, Neil Armstrong and John Glenn, all these pictures come up. And Katy Perry, everybody goes, ah. And I said, if my dad was alive, you could hear him right now. And he goes, what the fuck? And I got Ron White to do the voice for it, right? So the crowd, they already know it. You just hear his voice. What the fuck? And everybody's like, Ron White. So I said, that sounds like Ron White. And I said, fucking sounds a lot like Ron White. And he walks out. And he goes, well, no shit, Sherlock. [29:52] It loses it, right? [29:54] And he's so nice. I was going to come out here and say something, but you're fucking, I was having a good set, fucking blowing the roof all over the fucking place. And so he says, do you still want to, I said, no, dude, joke. All right, I'll do it. And he did some joke. [30:09] Okay. [30:10] And it was great because he's – I'm watching the whole show. He's like one of my men, heroes in life. He's sitting there watching the show. Then he's gone for like – [30:19] I don't know. His bit's coming up. I don't know where he is. And you could smell pot the whole theater. So I smile at my face. It's not a joke. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I hope it's – I mean, Ron, you can't, like, smoke weed in here. Yeah. [30:30] So I go off after he comes out and he just... So I said, all right, I'm going for Ron White. And I said, if you smell weed, it's probably... He goes back in my dress. Now, there's another show that's back down there, all these stripper girls. And he's... [30:46] They're all like, hey, I didn't know you partied. I'm like, what? I'm like, I didn't know you partied. I've been there 19 years. I'm like, I don't party. They're like, no, that's my friend Ron. He's smoking weed. They're like, holy, she's got good shit. I mean, it would just bellow through the whole lobby, out into the lobby. Yeah, he can go hard. Oh, he goes. I smoked weed with him and then done a set and be like, oh, my God, what am I talking about? Yeah, no. He was so belittling. And then he left his weed and his wallet in my dressing room. Oh, no. Just his wallet? Yeah, fuck yourself. I love his wallet and his weed.

[31:17] He's here. He lives here. I know. He said he might surprise me later. Oh, nice. And you've done – I don't know if I didn't – I do shows with him every week. Every week. It's not great. He's the best. He's the best. He's just – He's one of the main reasons why I moved here. [31:33] Wow, that's crazy. He moved here in 2017 or 18, I think 18. And I was like, "Wait, where are you man? I miss you." He's like, "I'll move back to Austin. I fucking love it. It's in the middle of the country. I can fly here from everywhere. It's like three hours no matter where you go. Three hours to New York, three hours to LA. Perfectly centrally located. People are nice. Food's great." I was like, "All right." He's right. He got me thinking about Austin. And then when the pandemic hit, I was like, "Well, I'm not going to go to Austin." [32:03] If I move to Austin, at the very least, Ron's going to be there. I'm like, there's a good comedy club there, but the comedy club had already closed. I'm like, but at least Ron's there. I'll have a friend. I just had to get out of L.A. And he was just raving about how good. Come on down, man. Austin's fucking awesome. He's good. [32:22] He's also the one who talked me into opening up a club. [32:25] Awesome. Yeah. It was totally wrong. [32:28] He hadn't done stand-up. It's a really funny story. He hadn't done stand-up in like eight months. He goes, I'm fucking retired. Because it was the pandemic and all the chaos. I'm fucking retired. I'm done. I got plenty of money. I'm just going to enjoy life. And I'm like, okay. Come on, man. Really? I'm like, you're so funny. I just can't believe that. And so then Tony put on a show at the Vulcan. Tony had done like one or two shows indoors, which was crazy. Like, oh my God, we're doing shows indoors in 2020? This is madness.

[32:58] freaking out you're killing green yeah exactly so uh ron um was like oh fuck it i don't even know if i'm gonna do a set and then uh he decided to go on stage he went on stage the audience went fucking bananas he got a huge standing ovation the moment he went on stage murdered i mean murdered for 15 minutes and then he came off stage and he grabbed me by my shoulders and he goes whatever the fuck we have to do we're gonna keep doing this you gotta open that club i'm like okay [33:28] That was the beginning of the comedy mothership. It was Ron White. [33:32] How great is that? Yeah, he was the... [33:34] The original. He was the Christopher Columbus, but that's a bad example because that guy was a real piece of shit. He was the original pioneer that came here. Yeah, crazy. [33:44] Thank you. [33:45] We've been out. [33:46] I'll do one more Ron White story because it's just... [33:50] incredible like you I go he can't we go out this little fancy like one of these posh little bars down and somewhere in the fancy hotel and I even said where do you want to go and he says this is kind of like you know Then we go to bar and he said let's go the one at the area or whatever so we go and it's it's real fancy and we sit down and [34:10] And the way just walks over to us and... [34:12] it's there's three of us his wife his girlfriend me my friend and I said um [34:18] I'll do a cry on the rocks and I'll do a glass of wine. And as I look over to his wife, I said, would you like a, damn, someone smoking weed. Yeah. [34:27] And Ron is literally, he looks at me, he's like, well, no fucking shit. And I go, Ron, you can't smoke pot in here.

[34:36] He goes, who the hell is going to throw Ron White and Carrot Top out of a fucking bar? And within seconds, Metro is standing there going, you guys get the fuck out of here. And Ron's like, you've got to be fucking shit. I said, Ron, you can't. The cops are there. And he's like, well, they're good. They're good. I said, no, we're not good. We've got to go. He just thought, who's going to? He did that in my backstage this last week. I said, you can't smoke pot back here. It's your fucking dressing room. What does that mean? [35:06] Is that a lug sore thing? No, because I've got the other people, the girls, the show. Oh, the next show. There's a lot of other people backstage that I can't do that. The next show is like strippers? It's called Fantasy, yeah. It's a lot like my show, except it's funnier and there's naked people. What is it? It's just a girls' dancing review show. They used to have something like that. They're good. It was called Crazy Girls. Yeah. It was like comedians would host it. Yeah. That was kind of like this one. [35:36] They would have a comic in the middle and the girls – yeah, it's a good show. They've been there for a while. It's for people that want an excuse to see strippers, but they don't want to go to a strip club. Right, right. So they take a date. You take a date to a show. Right, right. [35:48] Right. I see some titties. Ah, yes. It's smart, isn't it? See, we didn't go to a strip club, honey. We went to a fancy titty bar. Vegas is such an odd place. There's nothing like that place. [35:59] It's so strange. It's just got such a history. First of all, the beginning of it, right? It's founded by the mob. Like they literally want a place where they can get gambling. And then in order to have legal gambling, there's probably some sort of a deal where they let the government blow nukes off in the mountains. So there's spots out there where you really can't even visit because they detonated 50, 60 nukes. It's crazy. That's what killed John Wayne, you know.

[36:26] Vegas? John Wayne was doing a movie in Nevada about Genghis Khan. [36:32] It's a terrible movie. And he did that movie, and a giant percentage of the people that worked on the movie got cancer from it. Oh, shit. Because they were literally like right down the road from one of the test sites. I don't know. [36:46] Yeah. [36:48] That's crazy. It's fucked, right? Yeah. But I always thought that's probably one of the reasons why they allowed them to do the gambling thing there. They probably made some sort of a deal. Like, yeah, you can have gambling, but this is what we want to do. [37:01] We want to blow off nukes. [37:03] Jesus. [37:05] I feel like that sometimes when I'm on stage at Luxor, something... [37:11] comes down and the crowd can see it, just a particle of something. It's always like [37:18] Oh, that's nice. The place is fine. Asbestos. [37:21] Well, it's not nukes. [37:24] Luxor was built in like, what? [37:25] The early 2000s? Yeah, it wouldn't be nuclear stuff. When was that place built? Yeah, something like that. Like 2000 or something like that? Because when we found Fear Factor, there was like 2003 or 2004. There were 20 of them, so yeah, 2000. [37:39] Yeah. So I don't think they use asbestos, but it's just such a weird place. [37:44] 93. Oh wow. [37:47] No kidding. Oh, shit. I'm way off. Wow. And I work there. Fuck. [37:52] Thank you. [37:53] Not too far off, 10 years. [37:56] Wow.

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[39:29] Thank you. [39:29] It was a great idea. Yeah, it's still phenomenal. You walk inside it, it's just breathtaking. I was there recently. I went to see the bodies exhibit. [39:39] You walk in, it's like... [39:40] I have to do a joke like that. See, I had sex on a really hot chicken, and then they finally threw me out of the body's exhibit or something. [39:49] That body's exhibit is fucking creepy. [39:52] Do you know the story behind that place? Well, a little. I mean, yeah, kind of. They're mostly... [39:59] Well, they don't really know like where they're getting the bodies, but they do know that a lot of them are political prisoners. [40:08] Hmm. [40:09] Yeah, so it's basically like people that ran afoul of the Chinese government, so they whack them and turn them into statues. Wow. [40:18] That's creepy. That's right outside my theater. Yeah. Well, a lot of them they call like unidentified bodies. [40:25] But the real problem is, like, to be an unidentified body, you have to be unidentified for 30 days. But then in order to do the plastination process where they turn you into a statue, it has to take place within 48 hours of death. [40:38] So, [40:40] Someone's lying Fuck Yeah [40:46] It makes a lot more sense now. A lot of my bullet holes. What a great place to have a comedy club, right next to the Titanic Museum and dead fucking bodies. Yeah. That didn't get you more in a mood for a show. I saw that, too, the Titanic Museum. Yeah, the Titanic Museum. That's pretty dope. They actually have a big chunk of the Titanic on display there. Yeah, I've been in there. Yeah.

[41:04] Thank you. [41:05] What a wild time where people would just get on a fucking boat and travel across the ocean with no YouTube, no GPS, hope they didn't hit an iceberg. [41:15] And that was like... [41:16] Super fancy high-tech travel imagine the people that traveled 30 40 years before that wooden boats and [41:23] Yeah. [41:25] Not having any idea. [41:28] Just going on a promise that he had a job waiting on the other side of the fucking ocean. [41:35] Right? Yeah. [41:36] That's how my grandparents got here. [41:39] There are probably comics on those cruise ships working. Probably terrible comics on those cruise ships. That's the worst job in comedy. Ever, right? Ever. I did one. That's my only one. [41:49] It's one of those things where a guy, you know, there's some guys that like it. [41:53] Like, I know Alonzo Bowden does, like, jazz cruises. Like, Alonzo Bowden is a – he's a great comic, but he's also, like, a giant jazz fan. Loves jazz music. So he'll go on jazz cruises, and it's probably perfect for him because, like – [42:07] It's like if I went on an MMA cruise, you know, I can talk about. Right. It's like you can talk about subjects that most people in a regular crowd be like, what the fuck is he talking about? If you're talking about obscure jazz music, you know. Yeah. No, that would work. I have a lot of friends who love cruise ships. I just don't know. Have you heard what they're doing with AI music, speaking of jazz? Yes. They did 50. I sent it to Jamie today. They took 50 cents, many men, and made it like.

[42:35] A soulful song that seems like it's from the 50s or 60s. Have you heard this? No, but I've heard a few other ones, not the 50 Cent one. Dude, you want to listen to it? Yeah. It's so fucking good. I sent it to Brian Simpson, and he said, that is the best fucking thing you've ever sent me. So they just did that? Yes, through AI. It's not even a real human being's voice. And it's fucking good, dude. It's good where you're like, whoa! Listen to this. [43:05] because it's like hardcore gangsta rap music, but with... [43:09] Listen to this, though. [43:11] It's kind of crazy that they're doing it. Many men wish death upon me. [43:23] Blood in my dog and I can't see. [43:31] I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be. [43:41] Trying to take my life away. Dang. Woo! Isn't that great? It gets better. Hear that sound. I put a hole in a knicker for fucking with me. [43:58] My back on the wall, now you gonna see.

[44:07] Better watch how you talk. [44:11] About me. [44:15] Cause I'll come and take your life away. Woo! Isn't that great? How incredible. Nobody sings lyrics like that with those kind of lyrics. No. It's gangsta rap lyrics with an incredible voice. No. [44:32] AI is fucking scary, man. Yeah. That's so good. [44:36] If that was a dude who sang that, I was like, who's this guy? I'd be like, this guy is fire. That's the kind of stuff we're going to be – yeah. I mean the first time I heard about it was Randy Travis had a song out, and I love Randy Travis. So I was like, he has a new album out. He's not doing well. He hasn't done well. That's right. They used AI, but that was his decision, right? Yes. Yeah, I think he wrote the music. Yeah, I think he did. But it blew me away. We had a whole fight with my crew. It's AI. It's not fucking AI. It's AI. [45:07] It is, but it's not. And then they came back and they said it was. But the difference is, this is not a real person's voice. Right, right. It's probably a conglomeration of multiple different singers' voices. At least I'm guessing. Is it actually a guy? I don't know where this started, but I'm looking at the one that I'm looking at. [45:21] They are trying to sell this like it's a – they try to make it seem like 50 Cent covered this song from some guy named Shifty Brent. Oh, yeah, but they do that stuff. They did that with the Chris Rock thing. When Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith, they tried to pretend that it was an old television show, and they did an AI version of this old television show where a guy goes on stage and slaps the comedian. It's really funny.

[45:42] It's – AI is so squirrely. Yeah. They're probably just trying to make money. That's why they did it. For sure. But god damn, it's good. But the Randy Travis one, you're saying – It's his voice. But I don't think so. No, no, it is. So what they do is like – it's my voice too. Like they use AI with my – there's a whole podcast with me and Steve Jobs. I never – [46:00] met Steve Jobs. There's a whole podcast that somebody made with AI. AI because you have Steve Jobs' voice and you have my voice. Thousands and thousands of hours, every sound that I can make with my voice has already been made. So all the computer has to do... How about that? Weird noises. Weird noises. But all the computer has to do is just take a giant amount of your noises and then apply it differently. Emotionally, slowly, somberly, angrily. [46:30] And you can just put it all together. They just had one with me something. Yeah. And it was like, what the – and it was me doing something – do they do ransom phone calls where people call people and say, I've been kidnapped. That's what it was. I need money. That's what it was. It was not – it was, hey, it's me. It was carried off. I'm listening. If you could help me out. I need – and it was like I was broke and I was down and out. I needed money. [46:51] And they stop sucking my dick and we're in the desert. Send money. Yeah, there's it's it's real weird because it's super good now. In the beginning, when we first started hearing, it was kind of obvious because the inflections were off. [47:07] Like the way he would say something. Right. Like the inflections in that song. Oh, that's amazing. Was insane. Yeah. You know? That's amazing. That I'll take your life. Watch how you're talking about me. I'll take your life away. That's great. Ooh, you hear it like, damn. So that means that we associate with a soulful, incredibly creative person with an amazing God-given talent of a voice. But it's not. Right. That's what's crazy.

[47:37] Nailed it. Even though I know it's fake, I love it. And you love it too. We're listening. This is great, but we know it's fake. That's kind of crazy. The Randy Travis thing is different because what they just did is he wrote it and then he can't sing anymore, but they have... [47:53] Thousands of hours of him singing. They take that and then just turn it into him singing. It is him singing. It's actually his voice. It's just not coming out of his mouth. It's coming out of technology, but it is his voice. And it's his writing. [48:07] So it's like it really is a Randy Travis album. It's just Randy Travis. Like you can enjoy someone that can't do it anymore but is still alive. Right, sure. [48:18] You know? [48:19] Like that guy had so many great songs. Oh, man. Oh, my God. [48:23] I could go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Well, you have to. No, he's got so many. I love him. That was my first big country. [48:33] says Kenny Rogers and my dad would go to see Kenny Rogers every goddamn, every concept my dad went to was Kenny Rogers. Really? Literally. That's hilarious. And then he goes. Oh, we put the headphones back on. No, I'm thinking. We forgot. I'm off because I feel more animated. Yeah, there you go. [48:49] This is weird So he goes to see Kenny Rogers And I'm like 12 or something, 13 He says, you want to go? So my dad said, I'll go to Kenny First concert, Kenny Rogers It's like huge, he was playing like arenas It was him and Tammy Wynette And we write all the hits And we go And then the second concert I go to Was Kenny Rogers, right? So I'm like, geez, alright I don't think there's anything else but Kenny Rogers, right?

[49:18] Thank you. [49:19] Third time I go to this fucking thing. I'm like, Dad, can we go to, like, Alabama? Can we go to another concert? Because he loved Alabama. He loved his... [49:27] No, Kenny Rogers is... So then I meet Kenny Rogers in an elevator in LA. Like it's just the weirdest thing. Bing, doors open. [49:35] And he gets on. I said, [49:37] I said, oh, man, I don't bother you. You're a legend. He's like, thank you. I said, you know the first concert I ever went to? He says... [49:46] I'm going to say me. I said, yep. He said, that's awesome. I said, you know what? The second concert I went to? He says, nope. I said, you. He says, wow, that's awesome. I said, you know the third? He goes, all right, fuck off. He goes, fuck off. Where are we going with this? I said, my dad took me to your concert three times in a row. He goes, well, you have a great dad. And then it was just kind of awkward. He was just, we're just, I kind of ran out of it. That's exactly what we were talking about. You act weird from celebrities. Yeah, and I just, right? And we're just looking at the numbers. And we're going up. [50:16] you know what? You have great chicken. And I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what else to say. But he really did have those great chicken roasters things. And that's what I said. And he went like, he looked at me like, fuck off. I said, no, and the sides are great too. The chicken... [50:29] That song, The Gambler, how many people did that turn into gambling junkies? Right. Romanticized gambling. So you got to know when to hold them. I do. I know when. I know when to walk away. I know when to run. I know what I'm doing. I got this shit. Did they make a TV movie about that? [50:46] Wasn't there like a TV movie? Yeah, wasn't it called The Gambler?

[50:50] I think there's a TV movie called The Gambler. I think so. [50:54] Hmm. [50:55] We'll find out in seconds. [50:58] Yep. Yeah. Yeah, there's something about music that was created before the Internet. The Gambler. There you go. The Gambler. Look at him. [51:07] Amen. [51:08] What year is this? This is a scud. 1980. [51:12] There's something about stuff that was created before the internet that's so fascinating. Oh, right. It's like an archaeological dig, you know? Look at that. That's just great. That even looks great, doesn't it? It's like you want to watch it. Can I say it? Can I listen? Because it's like an archaeological dig. Like you're looking at the way people used to behave and talk before the internet. Right. [51:36] Right. You know, it's weird. It's like oddly fake. Yeah. [51:40] You know, it's like oddly like interesting how you analyze that way. That's what now I want to see what you're talking about. Yeah, like I'm being I'm an amateur archaeologist here. [51:51] This is a different time. Human beings from 1980 were like a different thing. [51:56] Everybody would just leave the house. Everyone had a key. Nobody knew where anybody was at any given time. You left the house. You were gone. We didn't even have answering machines yet. People were basically wild animals who lived in houses. You're right. And they only knew how to behave from movies and TV. Give me some of this. It's just playing the music. Oh, is it still playing the music? Yeah, I can't. Oh, okay. Is this the theme song?

[52:24] I mean, it's playing the song, the gameplay. I want it. Yeah. That's so funny. Look at it. Even in the way it looks. The way it looks, it looks so cornball. It's just kind of amazing. [52:35] You know, we just people just kind of accepted. I love the fact that how you put it, there was not even having cell recall. Yeah. Answer machines. They were just gone. We were wild animals. People in 1980 were essentially wild animals. There were wild animals who had children. No one knew what was going on in the world. Everybody was completely uninformed. Right. [52:59] Isn't that great? It's crazy. We're all worried. This episode is brought to you by the farmer's dog. Here's a fun fact. Research shows that dogs who maintain a healthy weight can live up to two and a half years longer on average than dogs who are overweight. Isn't that wild and also kind of obvious at the same time? So why is feeding vague scoops of ultra processed kibble still the status quo for most dog owners? Healthy alternatives exist. And trust me, I know. [53:27] I buy one, the Farmer's Dog. I use it for both my dogs. They love it. They eat it up quick. It smells good to them. It smells good to me. It's human-grade food. The Farmer's Dog makes fresh food for dogs, and my dogs love it. Their recipes are made with real meat and fresh vegetables that are gently cooked to retain vital nutrients. They also portion out the meals to your dog's nutritional needs, which helps avoid overfeeding and makes weight management easier.

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[55:32] I was worried that Russia was going to blow us up. That was every day. Everybody's worried about Russia blowing us up. And no one knew what was going on. [55:39] And everybody lived in bliss. And you only knew the people in your neighborhood. Didn't know anybody else. [55:43] No. You didn't know. It's true. There wasn't even one one hundredth of the amount of famous people back then. [55:51] There was a tiny amount of famous people. There was Elvis and a few other folks. Yeah. There was a few rock stars. Yeah, yeah. A few comics. There's like Richard Pryor. Right. TV shows that you'd find with, you know. [56:02] Dude, animals. We were looking at Kenny Rogers. [56:05] Sell it. [56:08] These are wild animals that have just been introduced to technology, and they're aping what it's like to be a grown-up. Like, they're just figuring it out. And now here we are. We're like the teenagers. We're the adolescents of civilization. So we realize that's kind of silly. But there's stuff from then. [56:26] That's better than stuff that's today for whatever weird reason. There's some music back then that hits you because like – [56:34] You realize how special this really is. Like Prince, for instance. I remember the first time I listened to Prince, I was delivering newspapers at the time. And I listened to I Want to Be Your Lover. [56:46] And I was like, who the fuck is this guy, man? Like, this guy was coming out of nowhere. He was, like, completely androgynous. Like, he was a beautiful man with his long flowing hair. And the first album is him with his shirt off just staring at you. Like, what the fuck is going on? And then I Want to Be Your Lover. I heard that. I was like, oh, my God, this guy's talented. Yeah.

[57:12] But he was, like, out of nowhere talented. You know what I mean? Like, who the fuck was like that guy before him? Right. He was completely different than anybody that came before him. The only one I think that would be would compare with Michael Jackson because of the... [57:27] He was very different, too. Right. But that hit. Because I remember when Prince came out, I'm like, oh, he's trying to be Michael Jackson. No, no. Yeah. But he wasn't. What year is this? [57:35] his first performance. [57:37] Oh, let me see this. I think I said 84 or something. Let me hear some of this. [57:42] There you go. There's your song. Come on, man. What a song. [57:48] Look at him. No, him. [57:52] Bro. [57:54] It's so funny. This video, if you took the sound off this and you put in like... [57:59] Cinderella, it would probably match his... [58:02] His... [58:03] Aerosmith. But look at how he's doing it. But he's like, he can see, walk this way. Right, right. He's got it. He even took the phone. It looks like it's rock and roll. Oh, he was so compelling. Yes. He was so compelling. [58:14] All I ever wanted to do, I want to be a lover. I bet women were so confused why they wanted to fuck him. Like, why do I want to fuck that woman? They wanted to fuck him. Why? Like, he cracked the code. He figured something out. And they did. Like, when you're a five-foot-three dude with an insane amount of talent, [58:33] stiletto heels on stage and everybody wants to fuck you. Because he was that fucking talented. He was that talented. And then it was also his music was so wild. Like that song Head...

[58:46] I remember that song. That was like, what year was Head? Was it like 86 or something like that? Like, what year was that? [58:55] I know the thing. 80? Wow, 1980. So this is in... [59:03] Before I was in high school, son. [59:06] This is before I was in high school. You know, a song about blowjobs. Yeah. Morning, noon, and night, I'll give you a head. Yep. [59:13] To your burn it up, head. Do you love his red head? Love you to your dead. Ow. You know, Prince people, Prince people reached out to our people one night and asked that they could come to the show when he was at the Rio. Whoa. And we said, well, fuck. Yeah. What do you mean? Of course we would. And they said, there's only one one caveat. So was that you can't curse. [59:34] Prince hates cursing? Yeah. Yeah. [59:36] For real, for real. Well, yeah. Maybe he just wanted to fuck with you. Maybe. How much power do I have? Yeah, I do tell him. Well, I don't think I want to hear swears tonight. I would tell my people. I said, hold on a second. [59:49] He's like, I can't curse. I said, yeah, that's the only thing. I said, but he has a song called Cream, Get Off. Yeah. Cream, right? Yeah. And they're like, yeah. I'm like, no, I'm not going to change my whole life. Oh, he became a devoted Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. And as a result, stopped using profanity. Stopped using profanity, yeah. Even implementing a cash swear jar at his Paisley Park studio to enforce his no-swearing policy. Witnesses believe that using blasphemous or foul language is a sin,

[1:00:19] words from his music and charging people for any foul language spoken at his compound well i'm already down like 200 i'm already fine 200 bucks today i think as much as i love that guy i would not visit him i would be like i can't do that no that's what i don't want to do that well that's what i said maybe i would maybe i'd talk to him once i would just like like if i'm going to go talk to a priest i'm not going to go swear you know what i mean right i'm going to try to be nice [1:00:43] But at a certain point in time, like [1:00:45] I don't want to perpetuate this really stupid idea that different sounds that you make with your mouth are uniquely offensive. [1:00:54] It's what you're saying. It's supposed to be a sound that I make so you know what I'm thinking. And if you have words that you could substitute for these thoughts that are – if you have – [1:01:09] Thought that is only expressed through fuck you right like we know what fuck you means and everybody says fuck you do for you to say that you can't say that anymore you're manipulating language to make it have less nuance that's never good yeah like it's already not nuanced enough. I [1:01:27] Like, it still doesn't quite grasp... [1:01:31] what you're thinking or what you're saying. And the worst case scenario of it is when someone writes down [1:01:37] what you're saying instead of like hearing you say it in context with the conversation that you're having. Right. Right. So it's like. [1:01:45] Anybody who says don't use certain words like stop being a baby. [1:01:49] Stop being a baby. These are just noises you make so that we can understand. All that shit is nonsense. It's stupid. It's stupid, and it was mostly created...

[1:02:00] I think – [1:02:01] First of all, on television, right? [1:02:03] Television, you had advertising, and that was the only place where there was advertising. And so that was the only place that had a proven audience. But to keep that proven audience on NBC and CBS, you had to institute laws where you literally would get fined, like a serious amount of money, if you swore on TV. And then cable came along, and everybody – Sam Kinison was on HBO. Right. And you're like, what? This is way better. [1:02:29] Like, why can't we just talk? Right. But again, this is cave people. Right. Kinnison on HBO is 86. Right. [1:02:35] No one knew what the fuck was going on, dude. No one knew what the fuck was going on back then. Prior? Yeah. It was just amazing. When I was a kid, I was at my friend Jimmy Lawless' house, and we watched Eddie Murphy Delirious. [1:02:48] I think we were all like... [1:02:50] What year was that? I want to say I was 15, maybe. Delirious, 86? I want to say I was like 15 or 16. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I was like, this is insane. He's talking about the honeymooners fucking each other in the ass? Like, what? Jackie Gleason is fucking Ed Norton in the ass? Norton, I've been looking at you. You're like, this is insane. How is this on TV? 86? [1:03:19] 83. 83? Yeah. [1:03:21] Thank you. [1:03:22] Wow. Unbelievable, right? One of the best. Yeah. I think that makes me like 15.

[1:03:30] Fucking crazy. It was so good, dude. Yeah, what about that? And it was new. It was like all of a sudden you're hearing someone just swearing on TV. [1:03:39] Like, this is crazy. How am I even watching this? [1:03:42] That was a big... [1:03:45] changing the cable. Well, cable and then VHS tapes where you can go and like, you could rent Delirious. Right. And someone would rent it. Wasn't it too bad to, right. [1:03:56] Yeah, you'd go home and put it in. You'd get popcorn out and go watch the lyrics. Blockbuster and people. Yeah, we were cave people. We were cave people. We were telling stories by the fire. Yeah, literally. Yeah. No. I don't bear coffee. I'm starved here. Oh. That was our form of entertainment. It's so weird. You think back about that. You keep bringing this up. Isn't that weird? Because I'm about your age and we didn't have any. We didn't, like you said, we didn't have an answering machine. Yeah, we had nothing. We had nothing. We had nothing. [1:04:26] people to like really understand the change that society has gone through and how spectacular that change is because we we were there when there was none where there was nothing where walkie talkies were crazy that was huge if somebody had a walkie talkie that was nuts you could talk to your friend in your bedroom you had to be quiet it's so good bro what's going on over there over yeah yeah right

[1:04:56] You could talk at a walkie-talkie. [1:04:58] Or I knew a dude who had a CB in his car. He would just have random conversations with people. [1:05:03] Bro, they would just start talking about stuff. Yeah, breaker one. Yeah, breaker one. I'm what you up to. Yeah. Yeah, and they would just have conversations, and people would meet people. Like you said, the smoking the bandit. Yeah. But that is about the time you're talking about, too, where they had CBs, but they're also like cavemen. They were just – Yeah. It was – But you were the cool guy if you had a CB in your truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [1:05:25] If you had a CB in your truck, you were cool. [1:05:29] Didn't Burt Reynolds have a CB in his Trans Am? Yeah. [1:05:32] Of course he did. Did he? Yeah, he had to. Yeah, he had to talk to me. Yeah, he did. Hey, big, what's up? That's right. We're going to pull over here and feed the dog. Bro. 10-4, good buddy. That is the ultimate cool guy. Yeah, look at that. He's got a walkie-talkie in his Trans Am with a cowboy hat on. Fucking right. That's my fault. By the way, it is one of my only movies that I own on my iPod. Bro, it is another archaeological site. It's a dig. They've dug down to another time of human beings where this is the coolest guy in the world. [1:06:02] from the cops in a Trans Am with a firebird on the fucking hood. And he's talking on a CB with a cowboy hat on. [1:06:11] I mean, this is... And that was the first movie that... It's like Greek theater. Yeah. First movie they broke the camera. The third... What do you call that? [1:06:19] Where they look into the camera. Oh, the third wall? Yeah. That was the first movie. Was it fourth wall? What did they call it? Fourth wall? [1:06:26] It's right when he's first being chased. Yeah. Thank God, Jim. He's going down the...

[1:06:29] He loses him in the alley in the very beginning – [1:06:33] chasing and he's going like he's backing in like this and he looks at the camera he goes [1:06:38] It's like, that was fucking awesome. He just gave that look and went... Oh, Burt Reynolds had so much charisma. It was great. And the fucking sheriff. I mean, goddammit, how great is that whole movie? You know where he's really great? Give me a dabble sandwich and a Dr. Pepper very quick, I'm in a goddamn hurry. Where are you at? Who's chasing you? No one's chasing me. I'm Sheriff Bupry. No one's chasing me. [1:07:00] You stay here and you think about it, but don't do it. [1:07:06] Yeah. His kids on the car. Dude, Jackie Gleason was amazing in that. That's an attention getter. Yeah. He was so good in that movie. That's called an attention getter. [1:07:17] Do you remember Burt Reynolds in Deliverance? Oh, yeah, absolutely. That was an insane role. Crazy, crazy. That was an insane role. That was when you get to see him as an actual actor. You're like, oh, this guy was good. [1:07:29] He was a good actor. It was a great movie. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn't just Smokey and the Band-Aid. Right, sure, no. The guy having a good time, super charming, great mustache, smiling at the camera. Right, right, yeah. He was fun, man, like in Deliverance, man. Look at that. It was like right out of him, right when he was done playing football. Yep. [1:07:46] That's right, he kills a guy with a bow, doesn't he? [1:07:49] Crazy movie. [1:07:51] Yeah, man. It was a good movie. [1:07:53] That was a good movie. I got to meet him. He's cool as hell. That's a very intense movie. He's in a pie fight. [1:07:59] You had a pie fight with Burt Reynolds? No. I was on The Tonight Show. This is crazy. Burt Reynolds was the lead guest. He came out and talked about being married like nine times. Mark Summers, who hosted the...

[1:08:11] game show, whatever it was, Mark Summers. He came out [1:08:16] And Bert's. [1:08:17] moves down to the second chair and marks it. Here's Jay, and he... [1:08:22] he puts his back to Bert and he starts telling him, you know, um, I, [1:08:27] Thank you. [1:08:28] You know, something of being, you know, I've only been married once, and Bert's over there, you know, kind of getting a little... First, he's got his back to him. Then he takes the cup, the mug, and he says... [1:08:40] He went to take it. He says, is this mine? He says... [1:08:43] I don't give a shit. And he says, well, you've been married five times. I don't want to. He's trying to be funny. Like, I don't drink after you've been married five times. [1:08:50] Oh, here it is. [1:08:52] Now, here's the best part. I'm – watch. Whoa. Oh, no. This is real shit. I'm a guest. I'm going to – He threw a drink on him. Yeah. Was this planned? No. And who's the other dude? Mark Summers. And who's Mark Summers? Mark Summers. [1:09:06] He's the host of Double Dare. Double Dare, thank you. Nickelodeon stuff. Now watch how angry Bert – watch him. [1:09:14] They didn't have this plan, by the way. [1:09:17] But Burt hits him hard. [1:09:20] Yo! [1:09:23] That hurt. [1:09:25] Look at the torque he got in that right hand. I want you to watch this again. [1:09:30] Bro, he got hip into that? No, he was fucking pissed. He got his right shoulder? At the end, if you watch it, he'll go, hey, Karatav will be here tomorrow night. At the end. Look at this frame by frame. Well, he's a fucking football player, too. And bro, bro, he...

[1:09:46] Clock that dude. Look at his face. Look at that freeze frame. That guy should be ashamed of that look for the rest of his life. How dare you? How dare that face? Right there is scary. Yeah. If I was friends with that dude, I'd be like, no, you're not going to do that. He's going to kill you. Bro, look at that torque he got into that. Oh, yeah. Well, let's see. He's a football player. [1:10:04] Bro, that was like... And I'm backstage going, I'm not going on. They're like, no, we're going to cut you. Actually, I just want to say that guy's got a great chin. He's smiling. Yeah, he better smile. He just got bitch slapped. But he took a great shot, I want to say. He says, we'll be right back with... No, tomorrow now. That was Salt-N-Peper, Jay. [1:10:30] Yeah. Another guy took way too much shit. They gave him so much of a hard time. It's just like... [1:10:36] When Larry Holmes became the heavyweight champ of the world after Muhammad Ali, everybody hated Larry Holmes. When Jay Leno took over after Johnny Carson, there's a bunch of people. He got a lot of grief for that. For no reason. No reason, because they were put on great shows, too. Super nice guy. The writing was great. Never a dick. No. I always had a good time talking to him. He's always a nice guy. Yeah. He's a nice guy, and what he should have been doing all along is really what he's doing now, is his car shows. [1:11:03] Because that guy, if you talk to him about cars, he's so entertaining. He loves cars. He loves them. I mean, he knows more about cars probably than anybody I've ever met in my life. He's got an insane collection, and he likes cars.

[1:11:17] Everything. He likes old Datsuns. Anything. Is it a fire truck? Yep, yep, yep. A jet bike. He's just a genuine fan of automobiles, and the way he talks about it is so entertaining. Yep, no. Because that's really what he wants to do. And he's also crazy, right? [1:11:32] He's... [1:11:34] Unstoppable. So he... [1:11:37] He fell off that cliff or whatever the fuck it was, right? You heard about this. Yeah, what happened to him? I just talked to him in Vegas. He went and saw him. And I said, how are you doing? He goes, you know. I said, you can still see like a... [1:11:48] It was a little bit of bruising because it was about two weeks after he had had the fall. Oh, Jesus. He was out and about two weeks later? What do you mean? He did the show that night. What? Yes, he fell. Did he get a concussion? [1:11:59] And he said, there was a Golden Corral next to La Quinta. First thing I said to him, I said, are you okay? I said, my question, what the fuck are you staying at La Quinta? And he goes, we all can't have to stay the fourth evening. I said, no, but really, what happened? He said, I just went out to La Quinta. He doesn't spend any of his money. [1:12:19] He walked out of La Quinta, and it was a little hill, like not even like a hill. He went hiking. He went hiking. With like slippery shoes on probably. He said, the golden crown. He's probably wearing dress shoes. I'm going to go come around. Right. [1:12:32] And his denim. And so he went, he just looked, it was a little deeper than he thought. And he slipped, fell, and hit his eye, you know, right in the thing where it's bad. So he went in and got his gold corral. [1:12:43] You know, I eat your lemon. You know, steak and a thing. Got his food, went to the club, and went on stage, bleeding. That's so crazy. And I said, what do you mean? I said, what do you mean? The show must go on.

[1:12:56] I just held the mic with his hand. So how about Mary Guy? Is that Mary Guy in the crowd? And I'm like, it's just amazing to me. If I could chip my nail, I'd cancel. [1:13:13] and a mob guy where the mob guy was yelling at the priest and swearing, and Jay's like yelling and swearing, like doing the same, like saying what the mob guy said. I was like seeing Jay Leno talk like that was like, what? Right. The Tonight Show guy? I can't believe he's talking like that. This is insane. Yeah, you can't see him say, dang, dang, dang it. What are you going to do? That's crazy. Oh, yeah, he was doing this like super hyper violent Italian mob guy, [1:13:43] I was yelling it out. It's a fucking amazing story. And was it a show? Yeah, it was a show that he was doing before he made it. [1:13:49] It was like back in the day. He did some sort of a show where, you know, I think – [1:13:54] It was like a benefit or something like that where there was a priest involved and then the mob guy got mad at the priest and was yelling at him. It's a fucking hilarious story. [1:14:02] But that guy doesn't spend any of his Tonight Show money. Yeah. He lives all entirely off his stand-up money. Yeah, yep. Which is crazy. Right. So he's just stockpiling it all at the La Quinta Inn. La Quinta, that's right. [1:14:16] Someone needs to tell him. Like, money's fun coupons. [1:14:21] Let's talk about Service Titan. Over 10,000 contractors already run their businesses on Service Titan. Now they're building an AI trained on real trades workflows. This isn't generic AI. This is AI built specifically for contracting work, HVAC, plumbing, electrical, and more. It's booking calls, helping run your back office, and growing your revenue automatically. Every other industry is still trying to figure out AI.

[1:14:51] The trades are about to lead from the front. Service Titan, the AI for the trades. Learn more at servicetitan.ai. This episode is brought to you by Chime. Chime is bringing something fresh to banking. J.D. Power just ranked them the number one choice for new bank accounts in America. And that's not a small thing. That means real people, millions of them, are choosing this over traditional banks. [1:15:21] free, no monthly fees, no overdraft fees and thousands of free ATMs. But here's the real kicker. If you get their chime card, it gives you 5% cash back on a category that you actually pick yourself. [1:15:35] Your savings rate, nine times the national average. That's crazy high. Go to chime.com slash Rogan. Takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for more details. [1:16:01] You should be just squirreling it away. Have fun with them. Have fun with them. But people that started out poor, which is like basically most comics, once you start making money, it's hard to believe that you're ever going to keep making money. You start panicking. [1:16:13] You know, they're going, oh, my God, I got to save this. Yeah. I got to save it. [1:16:17] Yep. [1:16:17] And then if you carry that into your 70s and 80s, somebody should sit you down and have a talk with you. Like, I'm your financial advisor, and now's the time to go crazy. Yeah, you're good now. You should be looking into cocaine. You should probably buy more cars. Like, let's spend some of this shit. As your final advisor, I think you should start spending shit. As your advisor, you need to buy some ridiculous shit. Let's find a drug habit. Let's get you in a drug habit. Let's get you in a nice car.

[1:16:40] Let's do something. You need to start buying stuff. [1:16:43] You should have way more cars. That's great. You're right. What are you saving up for, bro? This is the end times. Yeah. This is it. [1:16:54] I don't family, you know that it's like I know a lot of people have a lot of kids and a lot of that you save up for them. But even them like giving a ton of money. Yeah. Giving kids a ton of money is not necessarily good for them. No. Like if you look historically at people that got trust funds, it's. [1:17:12] it's a weird road to go down and not have any ambition or not have to have any ambition. Maybe you do have it like inherently, but for a lot of them, it's like, they don't have to make it. They don't have. And I think that's, [1:17:27] But unfortunately, in this society that we live in, that doesn't seem to work. [1:17:31] Like in this society, it's very difficult to not be self-sustainable, not be able to take care of yourself. And if you can't take care of yourself, you've got to kind of learn how to do it. You can't just be constantly relying on other people because I think it hinders your growth as a person. Absolutely. You know what I mean? I think it like fucks with you. Like every guy that I've ever met that comes from a family that like gives them – not every guy, but a lot of guys that I've met that come – I've met some cool ones. [1:18:01] never had to worry and they have trust funds and they never really have had a job. They're all weird. Yep. They're all weird. It's like cement that didn't get the amount of water that it needs when you're mixing it. It's always like weird. Yep.

[1:18:15] It seems like everyone I know, too, every comic or artist, whatever, all their stories are the same, that they came from nothing. [1:18:23] If you think about it, almost every comic or artist I know, they didn't have money. Yeah, but it's not mutually exclusive. No, right. Right? It's not. [1:18:33] There are people that have come from great families and great backgrounds that just haven't been funny. Right. It's a weird thing, man. Like talent is an odd thing. [1:18:42] It really is. A very weird thing. Like, there's certain universal truths. Like, you're going to find more talent probably in harder communities. Like, you're going to have better rock and roll in, like, the dingy fucking outskirts of town. Like, those guys are going to be nirvana, right? But I love hearing, like, a Billy Joel story where you can relate to it. Like, you know, I started cutting lawns at eight years old. I'm like, I started cutting lawns at eight years old. You know? Literally. [1:19:12] Nowadays, kids don't do anything. And I'm like, yeah, I did that. I cleaned office buildings and I did everything. Do you know who was a boxer? He was a boxer? Yeah, Billy Joel was a boxer. Yeah. [1:19:26] I did not know that. Yeah. I don't know how many fights that he had. I think he lost. Are you being funny? Really? No, no, no. Billy Joel was a boxer? Billy Joel was a boxer. Yeah. I did not know that. Yeah, I think he was good. I think he was pretty good. [1:19:36] I mean, I think it was a good amateur level. [1:19:38] 22 and 2? 22 and 2? Really? Gosh, how I didn't know that. Was that professional? Olden Gloves. [1:19:43] Golden Gloves, so amateur level. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Legit boxer.

[1:19:48] I just know that he was broke. I did not know that. He's a guy whose music changed radically. Like, if you go back and listen to Captain Jack. [1:19:56] Like from Captain Jack to Uptown Girls. Like, oh. [1:20:01] Oh, right. It's great music. It was a huge hit, but it's a different vibe. Sure, sure. It's like a guy who's in love now, and he's got a supermodel for a wife, and he's worth a billion dollars. Right, yeah. It's like Captain Jack was his gritty Long Island story. Yeah, yeah. It was like fucking. [1:20:16] Fuck, that's a good song. That's a great song. [1:20:18] But you're right, you can see how their life changes and their music changes. So like you said, now he's got an uptown girl, got money, I got a... You ever heard the song Billy the Kid? [1:20:33] He's got some great fucking songs. Well, the one that was special I just saw was... Wasn't it Billy the Kid? Is that the name of that song? [1:20:43] Thank you. [1:20:44] Thank you. [1:20:44] It's a great film. One that got me on the special was The Entertainer. I thought that was interesting because it was ripping on... [1:20:51] Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was ripping on show business. Yeah, the ballad of Billy kid. That is a great fucking song. [1:20:59] My parents had that album on vinyl when I was a kid. I listened to it. What year was that? [1:21:04] 73 son um [1:21:06] I listened to that and I was like, this is – again, this is an archaeological dig. Going to the beginnings of certain genres of music and certain kinds of music. [1:21:17] And back then...

[1:21:18] That's how you got it. You heard it on the radio, and you went out and bought an album, and you sat there. Yeah, and looked at it, and looked at the artwork. And the needle goes over the thing. Yeah, and read the paper. [1:21:29] Yeah, weird. But the entertaining one was interesting because the record label had asked him to... [1:21:35] come up with a hit. [1:21:38] Oh, that's why he wrote it that way? No, I don't know. I just watched it. I remember exactly how it went down, but he said, yeah, they were saying they need a hit off this album to make this big hit. So he wrote that. [1:21:53] And when they played it to them, they were like... [1:21:57] Fuck you. We're getting rid of you. So they got rid of him. The label dropped him because he's... [1:22:01] It's all about that. It's a music business. They get the money, they take all your money, and they don't care about you. And I'm like, that's ballsy, right? They want to hit. And you basically say how much, you know, like the luxury says, 20 years. [1:22:15] Could you do something special for me? And I had this big roast and how horrible the Luxor is and how much they, you know, it just shit. They're like, what? That is a real album, a real song. And they were like, no, you're done. They should have just took it on the chin. [1:22:28] Look, the guy became huge after that, stupid. Oh, well, let's see. You fucking dumbasses. You got rid of him. Now they say that. You got rid of him. He sold a billion albums. Yeah, now they're damn, yeah. [1:22:37] He's got some great fucking – just the piano man. The piano man is a great fucking song. That one song alone is – right? Oh, how about Scenes from an Italian Restaurant? All right. Oh, my God. That is a fantastic song. And it's another – it's a story. It's a story of people's lives.

[1:22:51] And it's relatable. It's like it's real. It's raw. [1:22:57] It's, you know, again, it's like a window into a different type. It's a bottle of red, right? And I always used to make a joke about that on my show. A bottle of red. [1:23:05] And it says bottles of white. So apparently he didn't like red as much as whites. He has plural in the... [1:23:11] He said, bottle of red, bottles of white. Does he say that? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, he must have had, he liked more white wine. And that's how I pick up shit. Are you sure that's the lyrics or did you just say that for the song? No, I think it's the lyrics. No, I think it says bottle of red. [1:23:26] Bottles of what? Now you've got to look it up. I thought he said a bottle of white. [1:23:30] Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight. Oh, fuck. I don't know. I need you anytime you want. Yeah, I knew that. At our Italian restaurant. Maybe I could be wrong. No, that is a great fucking song. That's a great song. Donald Lurek. It's just. [1:23:43] Bottle of whites. You're right. A bottle of whites. [1:23:48] Interesting. See? I knew it was something odd. But it's still a bottle. It's a bottles of white. Right. That's a weird way to write. A bottle of white. It could be wine, so it could be multiple kinds of white wine in one bottle. What did Jamie get in taxidermy? I mean, what I'm trying to say is. So a blend, that would be a bottle of white. So I was on to something there, right? Because I used to sing it and go, why is he saying that? [1:24:08] Isn't that funny that some people don't like their grapes mixed? [1:24:11] Don't you dare serve me a blend. [1:24:14] Some people don't want to blend. Is that a blend of a Cabernet and Merlot? You fucking eye. That's crazy. That would be a goddamn blend.

[1:24:23] I don't want a strange Chardonnay. How weird are people? I'm going to give you a little bit of this bird and a little bit of that bird, okay? Fuck off. To blend. People that get super down with wine. I got a buddy who's a legit wine connoisseur, my buddy Matt. So I could call him up out of nowhere. I'd be at a restaurant and I'd send him a picture of the wine list. Tell me what to get. And he'd look at it for like three seconds and be like, this is great. What are you guys eating? Cake bread. Get this. And he would tell you how to do it. [1:24:53] He got scammed. Well, he didn't get scammed, but there was a guy that he was friends with that was a gigantic scammer and I don't think this guy ever got him but what this guy was doing was they were all these wine connoisseurs and this guy was selling really rare wine that was Counterfeit it was fake so he'd infiltrated this thing and [1:25:16] this like wine group. [1:25:17] And he was a con man. And what he was doing was taking a bunch of different wines and mixing them and then trying to sell it as this, like, 1970 impossible bottle from Bordeaux. Right. And so he would age the paper on the bottles and shit. And they raided his house. They found empty bottles everywhere. And he was taking labels off of things and copying them and printing them. I had that with Lube. [1:25:44] I do. You've got to get the real stuff. It's hard. You've got to get it from Portugal. They raid my house. Jesus Christ. But this document really highlighted in my eyes, at least for some of those people, that it's kind of bullshit. You think you know the difference between really good old wine. But this guy just tricked you. And he tricked a lot of them. A couple guys he didn't trick. There was one guy in particular. The guy was like, this is trash. I was just going to say. Yeah, one guy was like, this is trash. But the other guy was just raving about it.

[1:26:14] opinion he questioned like what? [1:26:16] I just thought this was great. I thought it was great. He's like, no, this is terrible. Terrible. He's a scum piss. Like, it was weird. That's crazy. What was the wine movie that I – what was the wine? Well, this was a wine documentary called Sour Grapes. No, no, I'm trying to think of the guy who said, no, more fucking Merlot. What was that? Oh, yes, that one. What was that? Sideways. That's right. That's right. That guy came to my show. I'm not drinking fucking Merlot. That guy came to my show. He's a brilliantly nice, sweet guy. Oh, that's awesome. Great guy. [1:26:46] movie. Just so nice. And he came with Kieran Culkin, Macaulay Culkin's brother. Oh, he's great in succession. Great, great. They were filming a [1:26:57] Audi commercial or something. What's that guy's name again? Giamatti? [1:27:00] Yeah, Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti. He's so nice. He came back. [1:27:04] He's amazing at everything. I said, could you... No, because they want to drink. They want to drink. And they're like, yeah, I'll take whatever you got. I said, we have a whole bar. I said, do you want to... [1:27:14] I'm going to Merlot. I'm going to have a Merlot. And just his face, he was so funny. He's like... [1:27:19] I just said it, but I didn't say it like I was trying to be funny. I said, we have this, we have them below. And he's like, no, no, no. [1:27:27] I'm just talking. He said, no. And then we did a video together. I said, trying to think if I find somebody I could find a sure I'm alone with. It pans over to him. He's like, not in fucking hell. It was just it was such a great he's such a great guy. [1:27:39] He was great in that Howard Stern movie. He was, wasn't he? Yeah, Private Parts. NBC. Yeah. Yeah, he was really good in that. I'm saying it, WNBC. No, WNBC. Yeah. Yeah, he's a good guy on top of that.

[1:27:56] Reggae. Merlot. [1:27:58] Merlot got a bad name after that movie. If I was in the Merlot business, I would have been furious. These motherfuckers, they're downplaying Merlot. [1:28:06] I always liked Merlot and then all of a sudden I had a shady opinion of it. They did that with me on South Park. They said that I was junk. I'm like, fuck. Did they? Gotcha. In a roundabout way. South Park. [1:28:18] Everyone's parodied me and it's always been something stupid. It's just amazing how long. It was an Indian casino and it said like Carrot Scalp tonight playing at the show. Who says that? It was in like Simpsons or Family Guy. Just for jokes. Just for jokes. [1:28:34] South Park has been around longer than anything ever that's still good. Yeah. Like, how do they do it? I don't know. [1:28:41] Brilliant. It's just weird that they're still so on top of it. [1:28:46] They're so driven to still push the boundaries and make it really funny. [1:28:52] And it's been going on since shit. I was saying, my God, how many years? Like the first video, I think, was 95 or 96 or something like that. The one that they were passing around, the VHS one with Brian Boitano. Yeah. What year was that? Yeah. [1:29:04] - Maybe we'll... [1:29:06] I think it was 95 or 96. [1:29:10] Because I remember people on news radio were passing it around. [1:29:14] And we were like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. This is crazy. [1:29:18] 95. 95, yeah. Everybody was passing around. We're like, this is insanity. This is so insane. It's so good. And I don't think it had a home yet. I don't think it was on Comedy Central yet. The first one they made was in 92. Whoa. Which one was that? Which one was that? Trying to see which it says. Which is the Brian Boitano? Which would Brian Boitano do?

[1:29:39] That's what everybody would say. We'd be walking around the news radio set going, what would Brian Boitano do? [1:29:48] Jesus is there and it's just it's so ridiculous that was actually in their first movie in 99. [1:29:55] I'm going to watch that game quick. [1:29:57] The Brian Boitano thing was? Yeah, that was in the movie. South Park, bigger, longer, uncut. Really? Mm-hmm. So what was the 95 one or the 94 one? [1:30:06] Uh, so they made fun of Brian Boitano in The Spirit of Christmas. [1:30:12] So that came out in 99? That was like the last year of news radio. [1:30:18] I don't even know if I have a false memory now. [1:30:22] Huh. [1:30:23] That was the one that was Jesus versus Santa fighting. [1:30:26] That's the first one. Yeah. [1:30:30] There's no Brian Boitano in that one? He says, what would Brian Boitano do in that? But that's not the song. It's in Until Later. Oh, right. But that's when he says it. Okay. I thought it was going crazy. That's just hilarious still. I thought I had a fake memory. It says, yeah, Stan Marsh says to Cartman, what would Brian Boitano do is Jesus battle Santa. [1:30:48] That's right. Okay. You had me thinking I was crazy. Oh, I... [1:30:51] The song was way bigger than... Right. But the show went where he says it. It was on the show. So that was the verse. I was like, am I losing my fucking mind? [1:31:01] Like, no, I know it was on the first one. [1:31:03] But it was just so groundbreaking. And the brilliance of it was that you don't have to have it look realistic.

[1:31:10] So you can get away with so much more. Like when he stuffs, what's-her-face up his ass? [1:31:15] Who did he? Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton. All right. When he had a slut off and stuffs Paris Hilton up his ass, it's like you can do that if it doesn't look real. Right. Like if it's like super realistic and 3D, you can't do that. It has to look like South Park. Yeah. They can get away with so much. They can kill kids. [1:31:32] They kill Kenny every week. Nobody complains. [1:31:35] Yep. [1:31:36] Poor fucker dies every week. [1:31:40] Imagine if this is like a graphic 3D video that looks hyper-realistic. You can't do it. [1:31:48] It has to look like [1:31:49] Complete nonsense, and then we'll let you get away with almost anything. Right. That's probably how they sold it that way. Well, if you think about it. How they bought it that way. There's like levels. [1:31:58] of realism that will allow you to get away with more if it's less realistic. That's why we used to allow Roadrunner. [1:32:08] Like, and, you know, Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner would, like, drop dynamite on them. Yeah. Shit was always happening. [1:32:16] He was always getting fucked up. [1:32:18] That was okay because it was cartoons. Right. Right. But you couldn't have blood. [1:32:24] Like blood all over the place. But if you make them look so goofy that their head's just a big circle and they have like a little stick on them, then you can have blood all over the place and nobody complains. Exactly. [1:32:34] Weird, right? It's kind of weird. It's like the less realistic, but we know what it is. They killed a kid. We're like, well, you killed a kid, you bastards. And no one has a problem with it.

[1:32:45] Which is because it's unrealistic. It's kind of weird, right? I think that's exactly how you put it. [1:32:49] It's kind of weird. It's an unrealistic... [1:32:51] It's a perfect cheat code. [1:32:53] It makes everything more funny because you never feel guilty laughing. [1:32:56] No matter what. [1:32:58] When Cartman was in bed with Saddam Hussein, or when Satan was in bed. Not Cartman. [1:33:03] There's just so many scenes where you're like, there's no way to do this unless you have cartoons. It's brilliant. [1:33:09] Because you would never be able to get away with it. No. [1:33:12] Like the one when they skirted around drawing Muhammad? [1:33:14] They kind of skirted around. They never drew them. There was this Lego truck and he's inside the truck in a bear suit. You can do things in cartoons that you just can't do in any other realm. It's a perfect medium for comedy. [1:33:31] And you can keep the kids young forever. Right. [1:33:33] They're always going to be in high school. Nobody questions the fact they've been in high school for 40 years. It's just they're in high school. That's how it goes. [1:33:42] That's true. They don't have to grow up. Shut the fuck up. Why do they have to grow up? [1:33:46] Now, what if they did make a cartoon where they aged? Ugh, no. [1:33:50] Aren't they funny? I don't want to see them. No, you want to see them? They always look good. It'll be sad. Yeah. They'll be a fucking loser in a trailer park. Yeah. It's fun when he's the way he is now, and he's like a little kid. It's fun. It's still. I like throwing hissy fits. It's fun, because he's still a little kid. [1:34:07] You know, you don't want to. There's certain people you don't want to see him when they get full grown. [1:34:11] Or when they're over the other side of it. Right. When the wheels start falling off. Yeah. You know?

[1:34:18] That's what I mean, though. For the special, their end episode, they should do it. Yes. [1:34:23] It's all done. This is the final. They're all aged and it doesn't have the voice quite still. What they should do is do a 3D hyper-realistic version of the show. Just do it all through AI for the last episode. And just [1:34:37] Have it the most violent, most ridiculous. [1:34:41] And see how people deal with it. Like, bro, this is exactly what we've been showing you for 40 years. [1:34:46] That will be it. [1:34:48] in it. [1:34:49] They wouldn't be allowed to. Coffee? Yeah, have some. Big Daddy. I like coffee. Oh, thanks. Here. Thank you. [1:34:57] All right. Cheers, sir. All right. Cheers to you. Bomb, bomb. Thank you for having me. My pleasure. [1:35:03] I'm looking forward to seeing young Kiltoni, too. That's going to be really fun. Yeah, that's fun. You know, last time I did it once. This episode is brought to you by Blinds.com. Texas summers don't mess around with patio surfaces easily reaching 150 degrees, hot enough to make your backyard feel like a punishment. And if your windows are bare, indoor temperatures can go up 20 degrees. [1:35:27] Get ahead of it with custom solar shades for your den and your patio from Blinds.com. Whether you want to do it yourself or have a pro handle everything, they've got you covered. It's all online so you can shop whenever you want but still have access to real design professionals. They'll even send free samples. Blinds.com has been doing this for 30 years, and they back everything with a 100% satisfaction guarantee so you can order with confidence.

[1:35:57] This episode is brought to you by ShipStation. When your company is growing fast, order fulfillment can make or break your success. ShipStation's intelligence-driven platform brings order management, rate shopping, and [1:36:23] inventory and returns, warehouse systems, and comprehensive analytics all in one place, saving customers 15 hours per week on fulfillment. ShipStation compares rates across all major global carriers, including USPS, UPS, and FedEx, plus your own discounted rates if you have them to find you the best shipping option on every order with discounts up to 90% off. There's a [1:36:53] Trust ShipStation. Try ShipStation free for 60 days with full access to all features, no credit card needed. Go to ShipStation.com and use the code JRE for 60 days free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That's ShipStation.com, code JRE. Did you do it at the club or did you do it at a big place? At the club. At the club? Nice. [1:37:23] loud and intimate. I told him before I did, I said, I'm not into...

[1:37:29] Thank you. [1:37:31] critiquing people because I've been shit on my whole career. I don't want to tell these guys what they're doing right or wrong. Coming from me, really. He said, no, no, no, that's not how it works. You just play, just be you, just be yourself. And it was great. [1:37:43] Because I could just... [1:37:46] If there was something specific that I thought was kind of wrong or off, I could say it in a very nice way. But most of them, they're good. These guys come out. They got their minutes. They pop them out. Of course, you see a couple. The first 10 seconds in, you're like, okay. It's already not funny. Or they're just so nervous. You can see the mic shaking. [1:38:10] But some would have really quality written jokes. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of funny people out there. And there's also, because of Kill Tony, people realize that if they can put together a minute, it can change their whole fucking life. Yeah. Your whole fucking life. Look at Cam Patterson just got on Saturday Night Live. [1:38:28] I mean, look at these guys. They're killing it. Unbelievable. William Montgomery is killing it. [1:38:34] There was a couple there out that night that they were really good. Yeah. And I think Tony tapped me under the... [1:38:39] share at one point this next guy you know he came out and i was like holy shit he was solid yeah already polished you know already polished there's a lot of these guys that do that show they do one minute and then they go we'd love to have you back and then they come back they do another minute the crowd remembers them from the old show all of a sudden they have like 25 000 instagram followers then it's 100 then it's 150 like these things start rolling it's like oh you have a real pathway

[1:39:09] Really dial it in. Really work on your material. Really work on you. Do as many sets around town as you can. You might be able to do this for a living. And if you can, it's the greatest fucking job in the world. [1:39:21] There's already a couple that I've been watching. There's more now than ever before. It used to be it was like there was a bunch of bad people, and every now and then someone would come on with promise. Now it seems to me to be more slanted towards people that are good. Yeah. It's like a high level or high percentage, rather, of people that are good. The night that I was there, they were really good. Yeah. Yeah. [1:39:40] A lot of them are really good. And it's – again, there's a pathway. There was one that came out and I said – [1:39:46] and [1:39:47] It was kind of funny how the microphone was up high because the guy before him was like 6'5 or something. [1:39:54] This guy comes out, he's like four feet. [1:39:56] So it's already funny because they bring him out and he goes to grab the mic and he takes it. [1:40:04] and puts it behind him and takes the mic and goes into his bed. And I'm like... [1:40:09] So, Galdon, he said... [1:40:11] I said, that was great. I said, the only thing I would have done in the beginning, you already had a laugh... [1:40:17] The microphone was, you know, so reference it, at least reference it. You don't have to do a thing. He said, he goes, that would be a prop. Yeah. [1:40:27] And I said, no, it's already a fucking prop. It's not – you didn't bring it. You didn't make it. It's there. It's a prop that's usable. Every comic uses it for the – everything, from a guitar to a short change on the beach. Every comic is done that. Everybody.

[1:40:41] So I said, no, no, no, you don't have to make a prop joke. I said, just reference it. You should have at least referenced it like this is already not going well, something. And because the crowd was waiting for something and he didn't do it. And then after the show, he said – [1:40:56] I'm going to use that. That's good. I said, well, you have to follow a tall guy every time for it to work. [1:41:00] Yeah, don't say, set the microphone really high for my first show. That's what I said. It only worked because it happened. Right. And I told him that. I said, don't do it unless it happens. You don't want to have it set that way. And it's dumb. Well, I think for some people, they don't know how to start. And they're doing something like that. Well, the starting is hard for everybody. It's not just that. It's like this overwhelming anxiety. You have one minute, and you can't believe you're on a stage in front of this. A lot of them, it's their first show. [1:41:30] Madison Square Garden. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. [1:41:34] Imagine first time on stage. No, no. Madison Square Garden. And you're bombing. Oh, man. 16,000 people. So they do that same format with Madison Square Garden. Uh-huh. And it's 100% random. People have tried to get people on. Wow. And Tony won't do it. He's like, no, no, no. That's not how it works. No. What we do is everybody just signs up, and I reach into that bucket, and I pull out names. Jeez. And you can't rig it. [1:42:01] Well, I knew that part of it, but I didn't know they did it in Madison Square Garden. They do it that way everywhere in Madison Square. Well, one thing they do in Madison Square Garden is they have like a Legends bucket. So they have a bunch of people backstage like Jim Norton, Big Jay Oakerson. A lot of people did it when I was there. David Tell.

[1:42:19] And then they pull it out and then David Tell will come up and do a minute of stand-up. And everybody goes crazy. Or do five minutes or whatever. But he... [1:42:26] He makes it so that even if someone is terrible for the first time, it's only a minute. And then you have Shane Gillis and whoever else is next to him making fun of it for the next 15, 20 minutes. It's going to be fucking hilarious. And it's also you get to see like, oh, this is a crazy thing to do. Like this idea, you're just going to stand up in front of people and talk. And hopefully it'll be entertaining. Yeah. Right. And sometimes it just goes horribly wrong. [1:42:55] And everybody's like, boo. You're like, ah. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, I know. They're not always there. Everyone was pretty cordial, but I could see it going. Bro, those New Yorkers don't fuck around, man. If you start bombing a little bit, they smell blood. Yeah, I know. [1:43:11] I did a... [1:43:13] My very first time ever in New York City. It was at Catch a Rising Star. It was, you know, old, old, old school club. [1:43:19] I go there and I had, it was like, it was pouring down rain or snowing, sleety snow rain. I remember I took my trunk in a taxi and I've never been to New York City in a club. And I go in, there's like eight people. And [1:43:36] Oh, fuck. And... [1:43:37] So the guy's like, you know, what do you bring me up? I wheel my shit up. I go... [1:43:43] But it's not even bombing. It's worse than bombing. It's just like never have nothing from a laugh. Nothing. Really? Yeah. And I'm doing like my A shit, you know, literally. I promise. I'm going to God. I mean, I've got like, you know, the ice tray with the level. So you don't put, you know, and it kills everywhere. You know, nothing, fucking nothing. And I just go, all right, um.

[1:44:05] I think my opening line was I have more props than people, which I did. So that got a little lap, but not even, right? I said, gee, I've got more props than fucking people here. Nothing. [1:44:14] I get done. I don't even know what to do. I'm shaking so bad. And they said, just, just, just, there was no comic. So I just went, all right, enjoy the next comic. And I put the guy, I had my own mic on a thing because I had that. [1:44:27] Anyway, I'm like... [1:44:29] Just tearful walking. I wasn't going to leave this shit. I'm going to get out of business, right? Am I going to go into comedy? [1:44:36] This guy walks by. He goes, uh... [1:44:38] He goes, um... [1:44:39] No. [1:44:40] uh, [1:44:42] Leave your shit there. It's good. [1:44:43] And he goes up. [1:44:44] And he, like you said, murders, you know, just absolutely murders. Eight people. It was like a stadium of people laughing. And I'm like watching this. I'm like... [1:44:53] Holy... [1:44:54] Fuck. It was Dennis Leary. Oh. And he... [1:44:58] I mean leveled eight people. [1:45:01] I couldn't believe it. And I walked off. And he walked off. And he said, hey, man. I said, hey. [1:45:08] I was unbelievable. He goes, no, that shit, that fuck, your shit's fucking amazing. But the thing with the, he was serious. He said that whatever the, you know, cowboy boot with the kickstand. Fuck, that's great. Whatever it was I was doing. And I'm like, was he like. [1:45:21] fucking with me? Because I ate shit and he was... No. But I've never gotten to tell him that again. If Dennis Lurie watches this show, that was the most coolest thing a comic ever did to me. Just gave me a big hug. He said, you were fucking great. That crowd sucked. I said, the crowd didn't suck. You just murdered them. They didn't like me. He said, you were great. Eight people. You're bombing in front of eight people. It's pretty easy to bomb in front of eight people. It was horrible. It happens. That was one of the great things about the store.

[1:45:51] is that you would get those eight people crowd sometimes. The early days of the store, you would go up. If you got like an 11.30 spot on a Tuesday night, you might go up in front of eight people. It can happen. Yeah. Because you probably won't really get on at 11.30 because a bunch of people stop in and do sets. So by the time you get up, it's probably like... [1:46:07] closer to one. [1:46:09] I've been there. [1:46:11] Yeah, but those shows show you what's bullshit. They show you – there's something about a small crowd that shows you what you're saying is nonsense. [1:46:21] Sometimes you have to figure it out. And the brutal thing about comedy is you kind of really have to figure it out in front of people with the openness of failing. [1:46:30] Right. [1:46:30] Like, here's the thing. [1:46:33] One of the things about jujitsu, when you learn jujitsu, it's really important to not be afraid to tap. [1:46:40] Because if you can just open your game up and not be afraid to tap and tap, you can learn more. [1:46:47] Because you don't do it tense and you do it more playfully and it doesn't mean as much to you when you get tapped. It sounds totally counterintuitive. But if you can just relax and not use your ego, not try to win every session, just try to figure out why you're getting caught and figure out how to avoid it and – [1:47:08] But don't be worried about tapping. Just tap. Tap whenever you get caught. And then just let your ego deal with it. [1:47:15] learn and move on. [1:47:17] But you have to... [1:47:19] experience that. You have to get tapped. You have to get dominated. Like you have to figure out like what's good and what's bad. And I think that's the same thing kind of, there's an element of that in comedy too. You got to like,

[1:47:31] possibly fail with this idea. I'm going to throw this out. This is half cooked. This is a weird idea that I have. Am I crazy? Do you think, is this where we're going as a society? Is this where we're going as human beings? And there's something there [1:47:47] And I'm trying to find it. [1:47:49] But I've got to risk not finding it. [1:47:52] That's the only way you find it. Because there's writing on stage that you only get – there's certain lines that only come to you when you're willing to step out on stage. Yes. [1:48:04] But you might fucking bomb. You might eat shit. You might have to transfer out of that. It's a balancing act. This bit might not work at all, and then you might have to immediately figure out how to segue into something guaranteed so you can get them back. Oh, yeah. I do the same. Absolutely. Absolutely. [1:48:21] But all my shit, I think, is full cooked. I think I'm out there, this is good, this has been marinating for a while. And then I'm going to eat shit. You're like, fuck. Yeah. That was a good bit. Damn it. [1:48:32] For me, it's... Or one night it works right, and then the next night... I just did a joke last night. They killed the night before. Nothing. Crickets. I'm like... [1:48:39] Do you say it the same way? Do you record yourself? Yeah, I never listen to it. Yeah, but that's the thing. I said it a little differently. I fucked up before what I didn't realize I fucked up, and I said something wrong, and I didn't realize I said it wrong until I listened to the recording. I'm like, oh, I couldn't – because I'll fuck words up sometimes. Sure. And just like – I talk too much. I really do. I talk way, way too much. So my brain is just like on autopilot talking sometimes.

[1:49:09] Don't say it right. I'm saying if I say it the same, one night it gets a great laugh, next night it doesn't. I'm like, I didn't do anything different. [1:49:21] You've got to listen to it to really hear because there's a lot of times where you'll say something just slightly different, and that slightly different makes all the fucking – Well, but then I had one – this is one last one. It's a brand-new joke. There's a big billboard in Vegas, and it's for the Sahara pool, and it's got this beautiful woman on it, this big, beautiful hot chick, and it says, meet me at the pool. [1:49:42] So I put it up on the big screen. I said, this is my favorite billboard. Look at this. Meet me at the pools, hot girl. And I said, then you get there and it changes to a big gay pool party with like 75,000 dudes. It's just a great picture. So I did it last night. [1:49:58] Got a lap, but not like it should have gotten more because it's like – then you get there and you're like, Ava? Has anyone – Ava, have you seen – she was here earlier. She's probably buried under all that cock or something. Last night it – [1:50:11] It just killed. I mean, almost for a minute, they're still laughing and applauding. I'm like, I didn't do anything different. It was just the mood of that audience. That does happen, too. Maybe it was like you were doing better before that, so you had more momentum. Maybe. [1:50:24] Yeah, sometimes it's that. I never, I'm just, I don't have any momentum. You don't. You had some momentum. I just woke up. I've seen your show. Your show in Luxor was really fun. Okay. I saw it, God, it's been a few years. I've got to check it out now. But I've had a bunch of my friends come to Vegas and see your show. It's very fun. I do it. It's fun. Thank you. And Tuesdays I do it in Spanish. It's actually. Oh, do you really? It's great. You speak Spanish? No. How dare you son of a bitch. Tom Segura did that. It would be great though to do a character. Tuesday night is a Spanish night. I come and say, hey, sonora. Tom Segura, who looks totally white.

[1:50:54] speaks fluent Spanish and does stand-up in Spanish. I'm going to see him. I'm going to see him. How many dates did he do? You're going to do your mom's house? Yeah. [1:51:06] Or two bears, one K. Which one are you doing? I'm doing... [1:51:09] With his wife. Oh, yeah. That's your mom's house. [1:51:13] They're both real fun. I love that. Bert's a great example. Bert's a great example of what we were talking about. One time we were at the improv, and Bert did this joke, this new joke. The first set, it fucking killed. And the second set, it didn't do nearly as well, and he was confused. And I had seen both sets. And I said, oh, no, it's because in the first set, you said – [1:51:36] he [1:51:37] was at the supermarket... [1:51:42] I know this is already on a special or something. I wouldn't say it. [1:51:46] It was like he was at the supermarket... [1:51:48] And he was standing there talking to his wife. He's like, God, it's so cold in here. And she looks at him. [1:51:55] And she goes, you are so fat. [1:51:58] And he's like, what? She goes, your dick is hanging out. Like, he didn't realize that his fly was open. He goes raw dog everywhere. He goes raw dog. He's got no underwear on. And his zipper's undone. It's like... [1:52:11] But the joke was, the way it was, like, she had said it that way. Right. Like, you are so fat. You can't see your dick. So the first show, he nailed it. He nailed the cadence. But in the second show, like, something was off, and he forgot to say one part of it. Right. And I had remembered it from the first show.

[1:52:29] It's weird. You've got to listen. You've got to listen because it's painful. You hate listening to your own voice. It's gross. You already know the jokes. You're like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm so tired of listening to you talk. But you have to listen to it because if you don't, you're not going to figure out how to do it the best way you can. [1:52:49] I think. No, I think that's a great – I just – But there's a lot of people funnier than me that don't do it that way. I rarely ever want to see myself again. Yeah. Everybody's got their own process. Now, you know – I know some guys who are really funny that don't record any of their shows, and they don't write at all. They just go up a lot, and they have ideas, and they work them out on stage. [1:53:08] And they're really, really funny. Yeah. I am kind of in that with more of my stand-up than the prop shit I built. But the stand-up I kind of just – I have like a little bullet point. I don't write it out. When you do prop stuff, like how do you even come up with ideas? Like what do you – do you like sit down with like a whiteboard and go, what can we do? No, I never have written – [1:53:32] Um, [1:53:33] I've never sat down and said, I'm going to write today. So how do the gags come to you? They come just like – a lot of them happen by just in a conversation or a story or something. Sometimes I'll see a prop and I'll – or a prop meaning – it's not a prop yet. It's just a thing, a toilet seat, or I'll see a thing, and I'll go, there's something funny about that. [1:53:55] you know [1:53:57] And I think about it. [1:53:58] And I go, oh.

[1:54:00] I was at a Home Depot. I mean, I made this like yesterday. I haven't even done it yet. I've never even tried this yet. I'm going to do it on Tony tonight. I've never done it ever, but I think it's funny. [1:54:10] Guys get drunk. [1:54:12] And they punch walls all the time, right? Because I had a friend backstage. I said, what happened to your hand? [1:54:18] he's like oh yeah fuck I said what'd you do he's like I punched a wall I said you punched a wall I'm like you're the fuck [1:54:26] And I just thought... [1:54:28] I said, you should. [1:54:29] I thought this should be a stud finder. [1:54:32] Like, because he hit a stud. So I said, this should be a beer with a stud finder on it. So you can find it right before your drug. You fucking bitch. And you, yeah. So I made it. So it looks incredible, but it's so silly. But it will be a crowd pleaser because it goes beep, beep, beep. Yeah. You fucking bitch. Wait. Fucking. Yeah. If you have a long spot, you can fuck your hand up. But sometimes it's that way. Sometimes I just... [1:54:59] It'll come to me. I don't know. I had a... [1:55:02] Thank you. [1:55:03] I was watching a cartoon, I think, years ago. [1:55:07] paper, cups, and string [1:55:09] And the telephone, and they were in a tree. Hey, Susie. And she's like, what's going on, Bobby? And I'm watching it, and I'm like... [1:55:17] This is an old... [1:55:19] version of the cups. We need a new version. [1:55:22] Right? Because that's just two cups. So I said, we have to have another cup that comes out for call waiting. [1:55:27] And it was like, that was my free bird. I mean, I did that. I came up with, it was my closing bit. You know, I'd hold someone in the front row. All right, what's your name? And they'd go, hey. And I'd say, hey.

[1:55:36] Thank you. [1:55:37] You seem so close, you know, the strings, and she's holding it. And what's your name? And she said her name, and I say, hold on, I have another call. Hello? I've got to call you back. I'm talking to whoever she was, Tracy. And it was just murder because no one would expect a call waiting to come out. But it was, you know, right when a call waiting came out. So you had a second cop. [1:55:53] And then I had three cups for conference calling that came out of that. So it was like boom, boom, conference calling. Then I'd throw it. I'd say call forwarding, and I'd throw it. And then I had a clear cup that was for caller ID. I said, I know you're there. Pick up. I can see you. So it was like a bam, bam, bam, bam, really good prop that turned into like a routine. It would be funny if you tried to say those things today. People would be like, what? No, no, no. Isn't that weird? No. It's not that long ago. [1:56:23] I call them ones that are like, you know, I do that. I do a thing sometimes in the show where I do care classics. Yeah. [1:56:29] I said, this is stuff for people that grew up with me in the 90s. You'll remember some of these. And I do like the ice tray. It has a level. And it's great. The biggest laugh comes when I go, half the crowd doesn't know what a fucking ice tray is. I mean, that gets the biggest laugh because no one has an ice tray. But the thing's still funny. They're like, oh, I get this clever. Don't people still have ice trays? [1:56:48] Well, if you live in a trailer. No, regular houses have ice trays. Yeah, where you pour water into the trays. They may have new ones now with the big cube ones. Yeah, if you don't want an ice machine in your freezer thing, you can just... So maybe that joke's still relevant. I think it's normal. I have fucking ice trays. I have ice trays, too.

[1:57:09] Sometimes I think. But see, when you go put it back in, you've got to leave it. Yeah. Yeah. [1:57:14] But there's certain things that people just like pagers, make a pager joke today. They're like, what? [1:57:19] That's great, yeah. [1:57:21] Yeah, I mean, I remember when I – technological jokes, like if you think about jokes about technology, when you date them, it's so weird. I used to have a joke about texting. I'm like, why are you making me read? I'm like, call me. You're on a phone. It's the best way to communicate. Call me. [1:57:36] Like, why are you making me fucking read? This is so weird. I'm like, it takes you four presses to get an S. Because that was back when people sent you a text message on a dial phone. Right, right. Yeah. A flip phone, rather. Yeah, we had to make a seven upside down in a pager. Hello? It was the most annoying people that would want to text. That's so great. Why are we doing this? This is so dumb. And I would just call them back. You couldn't text Joey Diaz. He would yell at you. It would fucking, he'll text you now. But dude, for like seven, eight years, Joey would fucking yell at you. [1:58:04] Joey was the last one to get a cell phone. He had a pager. I was the last one to get a phone, too. I didn't get one. Joey had a pager until like the year 2000. That's great. I was a little more than that. He fucking kept that pager forever, man. And you'd have to call his fucking pager. Yeah. [1:58:21] that's great he was a wild boy he was fun [1:58:25] He was just such a fun dude. But if you did not call him, he would get angry. He goes, I'm insecure. I want to hear your fucking voice, Doc Sucker. Why are you fucking leaving your text messages? Making me fucking text you like a little girl. What are you doing? Him and Red Band would get into it because Red Band loves texting. So Red Band was like one of the first guys to text. He would text you back in the days. You know, when you have to press it four times to get an S. It's crazy. And then I remember people got those sidekicks. You remember? You're the coolest.

[1:58:55] Sidekick is on a keyboard. Remember that? [1:58:59] And some of their sidekicks got hacked, right? Didn't, like Paris Hilton again, didn't some cooter pictures pop up? [1:59:06] Her sidekick got hacked? Something along those lines? Something like that. It was something that got hacked. It was probably from that. Or something happened where people stole their sidekicks. Something happened. Wasn't there something... [1:59:18] about that? [1:59:19] Some sort of a privacy concern with the sidekicks back in the day? I mean, I don't know about... There was a group that claimed they broke an air... Or sidekick, yeah. Yeah. [1:59:30] There's also, there was like strategic... [1:59:33] releases of stuff back then like when they would accidentally have a photographer looking at their vagina as they get out of the car like you don't notice that photographer on his knees with a camera pointing up hilarious that's so crazy nobody has a camera pointing up weird yeah like come on that guy would go to jail that's probably illegal probably illegal and meanwhile you you don't have any underwear on that seems crazy like why why do they have pictures of your pussy on the [2:00:03] purpose? You did, but it's really, it's smart. [2:00:06] Yeah. I mean, if you want to market yourself and just get more popular so more people know your name, it works. Right. [2:00:13] We're talking about them right now. But that was like a brief moment. People don't remember. Pussygate. [2:00:18] Because there was a time where these high-level celebrity type people were accidentally showing their pussy. Yep. Whoopsies. Here's my pussy. Out there in the breeze, just nothing but a curtain over raw pussy.

[2:00:33] Out there in the wild. At clubs, at fucking award shows. Wild pussy. See, I never say that word on stage ever. Pussy? No. Because of Prince? Out of respect? Out of respect for Prince. Out of respect for Prince. [2:00:50] That's great. No, I just never have. And I think it was last night. No, not last night. Night for last. I don't know what. The crowd was just, I don't know. They were crazy. [2:01:01] And I don't know someone yelled something out and I said boy, I got I [2:01:06] I said, I'm going to just do – I did a horrible – it was a Bud Light bottle. [2:01:12] You know, like one of those metal ones? Mm-hmm. And I had these legs... [2:01:17] put on it like that. And it's hilarious looking. I said, I made a Bud Light so guys will drink it again. [2:01:28] Pussy. Like, how do you not get the joke? It's two legs spread. The beer goes like this and the legs go, I said, see, you're eating pussy. And it was just like, the crowd was like, I'm not. [2:01:37] Karen Topp can't say pussy. Like, what? [2:01:41] They just didn't. I said, no, it's okay. I said, no, no. Are there kids in the crowd? And don't say it again. No, no. [2:01:46] Don't say it again? No, they could... I said, no, don't... No, no, no. They're thinking, don't say it again. I said, no, you can say it. I said, now that I've said that, though... [2:01:54] we've topped it. I mean, right? You can't top, once you say pussy, you can't top it. So they're like, oh, they laughed. I'm like, you know, now fucks nothing. I said pussy, so we've reached the plateau of

[2:02:05] raunchy at the show, the Carrot Top show, because, yeah, it's more silly. I mean, there's an edge to it. But you swear whenever you feel like it. Yeah. [2:02:14] Yeah, I don't need to. But I do it for some parts of that. I don't need to. But I never say fuzzy. Fun. Swearing's fun. [2:02:22] People that don't want you to swear, that always makes me... [2:02:25] That was like the Bill Cosby thing. He was always angry at people swearing. Yeah, I remember that. Richard. Remember? Richard. Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. That was so great. That's one of the greatest bits. He says, do the people laugh? Yeah. Do you get paid? Tell Bill to have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up. That was great. [2:02:39] Because you can hear it in Pryor's voice. No, yeah. You know? Great. [2:02:44] Yeah, he's brilliant, right? Rick Pryor. Oh, my God. Just brilliant. Oh, my God. My parents took me to see him live in the Sunset Strip when he was in the movie theater. [2:02:53] I was like 15, 16 years old. Great. It was incredible. I couldn't believe how funny it was. I will never forget this. It was the first moment where I realized what stand-up can do because this guy was on stage and just talking. It was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my life, ever. I thought about all the movies that I had seen that were really funny movies, and I was like, there's nothing that's this funny. [2:03:17] And this guy is just talking. Yeah. I was looking around the theater. I'll never forget this, man. And there was people just going like this, just throwing their body up and down while they're laughing, holding their body like, oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. Just dying laughing. I was like, this is incredible. He's just talking.

[2:03:36] It's incredible how funny this is. That's a groundbreaking special. Yeah, when you're 15, you're like, no way! This is insane! And you're right, and seeing people, like you said, physically laughing like that. Falling down, dying. You don't see that often. Dying, like they couldn't handle it. I opened for Steve Harvey one time in Birmingham, Alabama. [2:03:57] And... [2:03:58] I get there, I set up all my stuff, and I'd never met him. This was years and years ago. [2:04:04] A trunk. I didn't have... I had like 30 props and... [2:04:10] A third of them are really good. You know, I've kind of just opened. [2:04:15] I get there and I do the first thing. Oh, and Steve says to me, you know, you ever worked a black crowd? [2:04:21] I was like, no, like all black crowd. I said, no. [2:04:25] I'm just performing in front of black people. He said, "No, no, all black crowd." I said, [2:04:30] Will it be all black? He said, oh, yeah, all black crowd. I didn't know they would go one way or the other. He just said... [2:04:38] If they stand up and they start going, they're not leaving. They're standing up. [2:04:43] when they laugh, I was like, [2:04:46] Anyway, I go out there and I do okay for a bit. And I did one. I don't know what it was. But they all got up. [2:04:52] And they were like [2:04:54] It looked like they were leaving, but that's how they were, like you said, they were just rejoicing. They're like, ah. And I just, I never, I couldn't believe it. And I came off, and he's like, nice, nice set. And I'm like, that was so much fun. They were so into the show. And I said, I don't know how he's going to follow that because I did really, sort of got, I did really good. I really did great. I thought to myself, he's not going to, you know, that fucker, that guy, you know, well, Steve is.

[2:05:24] Sure. [2:05:25] I know it was his crowd, but paint was peeling off the club. It was so loud. It was so piercing loud in there. And that's another again, I thought, I'm not in comedy. Whatever I'm in, I'm not in that. [2:05:38] When he did Kings of Comedy with Bernie Mac, that was like Bernie Mac in his prime. Bernie Mac, brilliant. Oh, my God. Love Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac was so funny. He was so powerful on stage. It's just like sometimes you see someone performing, it's like, whoa. Yeah, everything. His eyes alone just is his punchlines. Charisma. Just pop. Yep. Yeah, pop. He just was funny. There's some dudes that just know how to just hit it just right. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, he was that way. [2:06:06] Oh, my God. It was so funny. [2:06:08] I mean, that whole era tour, it's kind of interesting that no one's done that since, right? There's been like the Kings of Comedy and then there's Blue Collar. Right. There haven't been really a lot of those movie tours like that. There hasn't been. Because there were tours and then they made films. Right. Right? Kings of Comedy, how many films did they make? They made at least one, right? Yeah. How many Kings of Comedy specials did Kings of Comedy make? [2:06:32] more than maybe [2:06:33] So then Blue Collar did a couple, right? Two or how many did they do? [2:06:38] You mean actual specials, yeah, but they toured like crazy. Yeah, they toured like crazy. But they did specials. [2:06:44] They all went on to tour, too. Yeah. Yeah. [2:06:47] But... [2:06:48] There hasn't been one like that. There hasn't been, you're right. No. [2:06:52] Interesting [2:06:53] It's funny.

[2:06:55] But it's also like everybody's already touring. This is like there's more people doing arenas now than I think have ever. Ever. [2:07:02] I mean, it's unbelievable. It's weird. [2:07:05] But it's what we're talking about. Joe Coy came to my show about a month ago. [2:07:10] Joe Coy's killing it. He's always doing these gigantic places. He just said to me – he was just backstage with his family, and he said – [2:07:19] casually he said he said what are you doing what are you doing on you know February or something I said I'm probably working he goes ah since have you come to SoFi because I'm like oh what's going on at SoFi he's like [2:07:31] Me. Fuck. Yeah. I said, you, what are you going there for? He's like, [2:07:37] Me, like to perform. It just blew me away. I'm like, you're playing SoFi? Yeah, he's been doing Arrindus for years. Yeah, yeah, it's already sold out. [2:07:44] Yeah. I'm like, and he's so casual. Yeah, come to SoFi. Like he's going to go see the Stones. He's like, no, I'm going to see me. I mean, fuck. Nate Bargatze is another one like that. [2:07:55] He's doing arenas everywhere. [2:07:58] It's just super normal, casual. Yeah. Hang out with him. Stadium. [2:08:02] Football stadium. Which one's doing the football stadium? Joe Coy and Gabriel. Yeah. Oh, that's a great one-two combination. March 26th. Yeah. That's a great one, too. Yeah, you can't go wrong. Fluffy does L.A. by himself, right? Doesn't he do the Dodger Stadium by himself? [2:08:17] Yeah. Insane. Insane. Yeah. Fluffy is a giant following. I remember when we were at the Ice House, he had the record for the most amount of shows sold out in a row. And they had a plaque on the wall.

[2:08:29] Look at these guys. Holy shit. [2:08:32] SoFi Stadium. God damn. Jesus, that's nuts. [2:08:37] Yeah, man. They're killing it. I'll be playing at Crackers. There's Shane Gillis is killing it like that. Tony's killing it like that. He just did the Notre Dame Stadium last night. Shane did? Who did? Shane opened up for Zach Ryan at Notre Dame Stadium. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [2:08:51] Oh my God, that's incredible. [2:08:54] That's incredible. [2:08:55] Holy shit. Woo. It's a fun time. Fun time for comedy. [2:09:01] Bert's doing giant places. Segura's doing giant places. It's really wild. It's wild to see. Yeah, I'm going to meet him on Monday. [2:09:09] Which one? Tuesday. Which one? Tom. Oh, you never met him? I don't think so. Oh. I don't think so. You'll love him. He's great. I don't know if I think I've met him or not. I don't know. He's like 187 pounds now. Oh, really? Dude, he was at the club. Did you see him? [2:09:25] You can just tell from the photos. He looks so skinny. Dude, he looks great. [2:09:28] He looks great. [2:09:29] He was at the club the other night. I'm like, dude, you look fucking great. I go, what do you weigh? He goes, 187. He hasn't been 187 since he was in high school. Oh, good for him. Yeah, but he's healthy. He's not like Ozempic 187. He had a good joke. [2:09:46] Gaffigan, he makes me laugh. He said, how am I meeting great? And my fan said to me, oh, you look, are you okay? [2:09:55] I get that. I'm okay. Yeah, you okay? He says, yeah, I'm fine. Why? He says, you look sick. He's like, no, I just lost weight. And she goes, oh, Zempik? He goes, no, not Zempik. I'm on the other one.

[2:10:07] But it's like if you're [2:10:12] If you have muscles, you're on steroids. If you're skinny, you're on a zempic. Can anyone be happy with anybody just looking good? No one. [2:10:19] No one's happy with him. God, you look good. What are you on? No, I'm not nothing. The only time you're going to find people that are happy when you're doing good is if they're doing good. So if they're doing good, then they get to say, hey, Karen's happy. You're looking great, man. You're looking great. Because they don't feel threatened. You look good. So some people do. They feel threatened by other people doing well. So they don't. They want. Oh, Zempick? Yeah. You want to know Zempick? I mean, I would die if I took a stone. There's no fucking way that that guy has the willpower to lose that weight. Right, yeah. [2:10:49] pussy. Right, right. And they feel better. They feel better about themselves. Yeah. Because their life sucks. Interesting. Yeah, and that's a lot of people. That's a giant chunk of the population. That's a lot. That's why you're not supposed to read social media comments. Yeah, it's always funny. I hear my friends say, I'm like, [2:11:01] I look at her. Yeah, she's got to be honest. Maybe she's just taking care of herself. Maybe she's doing, she's eating apples and doing yoga. Fuck who knows. [2:11:09] Also, some people, it's really going to help them. If you're 600 pounds, that's probably a good idea. And what my friend was telling me, my friend Brigham was telling me, who actually runs a pharmacy, he's like, the issue is the dosage, first of all, that people are getting these enormous doses. And variable by body weight, they should probably be getting a much lower dose. And he's saying they're showing now that if you mix it with certain peptides, I think it was IGF-1, is that what he said? Yeah.

[2:11:38] Like you said, IGF-1, that if you mix it with certain peptides, it eliminates the muscle loss and the bone loss. [2:11:45] And so what you do is you if you get on one of these things, if you're overweight, you're really struggling and you just need something to just get you back on track. The idea is that you could get on this and then use it as like a kickstart to a healthy lifestyle. OK, now you've dropped 30 pounds. You feel much better. Right. OK, you've been eating really good. Right. Now, let's get off this fucking nonsense that you're on that's making you lose your appetite. [2:12:15] Thank you. [2:12:15] Just keep eating healthy, and it'll go off. If you just do it the right way, you'll continue to progress. You don't have to stay on that stuff. No, it's good. Because long-term is kind of sketchy. I don't know. What are you doing? It's like, what is the actual GLP-1 chemical or whatever you want to call it, medication? What does it actually do? What does this peptide actually do that makes you lose your appetite? Because that's essentially what it's doing. [2:12:45] To curb your appetite, right. [2:12:47] The last thing I ever want to hear about. I fucking love appetite. I love you. I am appetite. Yeah. We got from the airport here. That's all people. My sister was at. Where's the best barbecue place? Yeah, dude, I don't want to hear. I'm going to lose my appetite. You can go fuck yourself. I love appetite. [2:13:04] So it regulates appetite by acting on the brain's hypothalamus to promote feelings of fullness and satiety and by slowing down the rate of which food leaves the stomach, gastric emptying.

[2:13:16] It also influences the brain's reward system, reduces cravings for high-calorie food, and dampening the motivation to eat. [2:13:22] These combined effects contribute to a reduced overall energy intake and a longer-lasting feeling of fullness after meals. I think it's like everything else, man. You could probably use it responsibly, and it can probably help you if you're really obese. Right. [2:13:39] But – [2:13:39] I think there's way too many people that are hopping on it that just need a little discipline. Right. [2:13:44] Just get a little disciplined. Just do like I do. But that doesn't mean that some people shouldn't use it, right? And if they can figure out how to do it right with, like, peptides, then okay. Maybe it's a healthy way for you to get into a good lifestyle. But the real thing is get healthy. That's the real thing. Right. I think it's predominantly made for people with diabetes, I think, but then they found out it would help people that were obese. Exactly. Which, like you said. And it's a huge moneymaker. Oh, are you kidding me? Making some money off that stuff. [2:14:14] That's what I do. But see, that's not – it's a lot easier. That's one that I don't have a problem with, people making money off of. I don't have a problem with them making money off of any of them. Let me be real clear. [2:14:24] This one's like maybe like overall benefit if done correctly. [2:14:29] There's so many people out there that are fucked, man. They're 500 fucking pounds and they don't know how to stop. And they go to counseling. Oh, you see the shows they have on those. They think about getting their stomach stapled. And it is an addiction just like gambling, just like anything else. You need some help sometimes. Yeah. And maybe that's what they need. You need a little boost.

[2:14:54] terrible state and move you into a place of healthy. [2:14:58] And then you'll feel better. This is a problem with like you'll think better. You'll be nicer. You'll have a better life. You'll have more energy to do the things you like to do. There's no downsides to being healthy. There's zero downsides. You know, the only downside is it sucks. It's a lot of hard work. But once you get there... [2:15:20] Once you get there, the feeling of satisfaction of having accomplished something, like getting your body into a condition where it's healthy and you can do stuff. You can take a fucking yoga class. You can do CrossFit. You can do stuff. It's physical. It works well. Or just get implants like I did. It's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. [2:15:40] There was this one guy who got like the most implants. Oh, I know. It was a human Ken doll. Have you seen that guy? Yeah. No, that's really creepy, isn't it? Someone needed to talk to him a long time ago. Mike, whatever you're doing, slow down, Mike. Mike, slow down. Mike, you look crazy. I don't know if you've got a mirror in your fucking house. Yeah, no, goddamn. But that's the thing with people. When they start doing that kind of stuff, they don't know when to stop. Yeah, no. [2:16:08] And it becomes addictive. Yeah. You know? Just like eating becomes addictive or gambling. You could get addicted to just fucking with your face. That guy. There he is. Ah, damn. Don't know if he's got a back implant. He's got a back implant. Tight. 21 G's. $21,000? Do a back implant? It does look like he's got crazy lats. I'd be like, that guy must be a rock climber.

[2:16:27] Right? If you saw that, that guy's jacked. Look how jacked he is. [2:16:33] All the way down to his wrists. And you're like, hey... [2:16:36] Why are those wrists on that body? That's crazy. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. You know what I mean? It's like he looks great for whatever it is. The boobs are odd. But there's some part of your brain is like, what is going on? Does he have fake abs too? [2:16:51] I don't know. Those are great fake abs. If those are fake abs... [2:16:55] Let me see that again. [2:16:57] There, it looks real. That looks normal. [2:17:00] But one of the ones that you just showed earlier, look, like, okay, are those just real abs? Because if you could get those abs, if those are real, you could have done the whole thing. [2:17:11] You could have done the whole thing, fella. Somebody just needs to get you lifted weights. You didn't have to do that. I'm afraid to admit to what he's gotten done. I'll see if he admits to that. Oh, no, he totally admits to it, right? [2:17:19] Oh, yeah. I think that's his whole thing. Yeah, he's letting everybody know. It's not like he's like, nope. No, no. God just keeps blessing me. Under the knife more than 190 times. Oh, that's normal. For over 340 procedures. Well, that seems totally sane. [2:17:36] Hey. Just how many – what is it like – what kind of damage are you doing to your body just going under 190 times? Oh, jeez. Jeez. [2:17:44] 190 times you went under? Starting at age 18. [2:17:47] Whoa. [2:17:48] As soon as he got out of the house, fuck you, mom and dad. Yeah, I'm going to – he's got orange cones around his bed. I'm getting lats. I'm getting fucking lats. He doesn't – but he looks like he's a small-framed guy. Exactly. You get down to his wrists. You're like, that guy's a bird wrist. This is insane. The wrist was weird, yeah. Yeah.

[2:18:06] Yeah. [2:18:07] not admitting abs, saying it did everything else. [2:18:09] Oh. Let me see. I'll just look at that. Okay. Well, if that's true, and it may be true, they might not be able to do abs back then. [2:18:16] I don't know. I think they do abs. I know they do that sculpting thing where they sculpt the fat away and it makes it look like you have more abs. What do you think abs look like? They don't look like that guy's abs. I have a guy. Those look pretty good. [2:18:30] Oh, that's that crazy guy. That guy's had a lot of those things, too. So that's fake abs. [2:18:34] Yeah, those look real. A little more real. But that, like I'm saying, like if somebody just talked that dude into lifting weights – [2:18:41] Hooked on the look. [2:18:42] I think those are his real abs. [2:18:46] Which are pretty good. Like, he could have got a tight swimmer's body. [2:18:49] Instead of what he did. Oh, Jesus Christ. They also do that sculpting thing, which it's not an implant, you know, but they like break them out. Yeah, they expose, they cut all the fat away, so it exposes more of the abdominal fat. [2:19:02] area. Abdominal sculpting. I think I have that tomorrow before Segura. Tight. You're going to have to get drained though. My appointment. [2:19:10] tubes out of the sides. Leaking pus. Because you just had a wound. They cut your fat away. You want to look better in bikinis. All you have to do is just work out. Jesus Christ, people. Do a crunch. [2:19:24] Your body is who you are, right? If you have like a little bit of a gut, it's because you've been fucking off. That's just it. Show it to the world. This is who you are. Let it go. You're living good. You got a little gut. If you don't like it, lose weight. Yeah.

[2:19:38] I just don't know if you need Ozempic. [2:19:42] Maybe somebody does. Like you said, someone that's really obese probably would help them. Dude, we're just about four or five years away from there being able to genetically engineer you anyway. [2:19:52] They're going to be able to eliminate all obesity. Obesity is going to be out the window probably. [2:19:57] At least with people who have the money for the procedure. [2:20:00] They're probably just fucking... [2:20:02] lay paste around your body, the fat will burn away, and you'll fucking... Come out and look like Chris Evans and Captain America. Yeah. [2:20:12] That's going to happen, dude. It's going to happen. Yeah, it will. They're already doing weird stuff that's beneficial to people. They're already figuring out how to splice genes and turn off gene expressions that cause certain diseases. [2:20:32] in your genome. [2:20:33] And once it really gets good, once they really start – [2:20:37] you know curing certain diseases and figuring stuff out and they ratchet up and they can start they'll start going who wants to be good looking who wants a giant dick who wants the biggest ass that's right yeah it's just gonna 100 people are gonna all look like cartoons we're all gonna be cartoon it's gonna be yeah it will all look like [2:21:02] We're all going to look like Thor, and the woman will look like Prime, Jennifer Lopez, and that's it. What happens if the whole world's hot? Fun times, Paretop. Fun times. Everybody gets to play. Everybody's here. How much it must suck to just unfortunately be born really unattractive? There's people that got a terrible roll of the dice in life. They got weird shit heads. I'm right here for God's sake. You're a normal-looking guy, dude. You're a normal-looking guy who's done some stuff.

[2:21:32] you and I, like Elephant Titus Man, that guy? Yeah, yeah. Remember that guy? Of course. Imagine something like that where you could just completely change it and all of a sudden he looks like Ken. Yeah. Yeah. [2:21:42] Why wouldn't you do that? No. Why wouldn't everybody get a chance to be hot? What's it going to be like if everybody's hot? Fun. It's going to be fucking fun, dude. It's going to be awesome. Everybody gets to play. I like that. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Everybody's hot. It's going to be great. And what if they figure out what's wrong with people's brains? Like, oh, we thought that you just had to let people experience life and figure out their issues and make mistakes and maybe go to jail and then get out. No, no, no, no, no. We can just rewire brains. [2:22:12] brain so everybody's like really calm and peaceful and kind and compassionate and you have to sign up for it's the compassionate program and everybody has to get get the updated software that's great we'll all be super sweet to each other you're gonna have to do it [2:22:26] You have to suffer. Yeah. I have a software update tonight. Everyone's going to be hot and everyone's going to be nice. It's going to be a human origin. Everyone's going to have all their hair. They're going to have muscles. And then all inventions will cease instantaneously. We will never invent a single thing after that. There will be no more music. [2:22:45] Everyone's going to be hot. There will be no motivation whatsoever for you to ever be like... [2:22:54] Prince. Right. You know? [2:22:56] Like, Prince became Prince because he was 5'3", and that was the way to get women to love him, to be so fucking talented, like, that people just are blown away. And you're acting like a woman. They don't even understand it when they're so hot for you. Like, he hacked the system.

[2:23:10] You're not going to get that if everybody's hot. I met Prince a couple times. One time I met him, he was still cursing because I was on The Tonight Show and I was back in that little hallway getting my makeup. [2:23:20] my [2:23:21] done, whatever. [2:23:23] But I already came in makeup, so I don't know why that, you know, I was always ready. [2:23:28] I just walk out the makeup thing, and Prince was on the show. His door's right there, and mine is down here. [2:23:34] So I walked over to Janus it he walking I said can I I? [2:23:38] Could you introduce me to Prince? [2:23:40] He said, well, you're in the phone. He's going to knock on the door. I said, well, no, I'm protocol. I'd rather you walk me in. It's Prince. And just say, hey. He said, I haven't even said hi to him yet either. So come with me. So... [2:23:52] He said, we'll go after this. He goes to get his makeup. I'm just standing there. [2:23:56] Thank you. [2:23:57] Prince comes out of his dressing room. He says, where's my fucking tea? [2:24:02] And I'm like, what's that? [2:24:06] he's my fucking T and I was like oh I'll go get it and he closed the door and Jay's right there in the thing [2:24:17] I said, "Where's Prince's fucking tea?" And she's like, "What?" I said, "He just yelled at me to get his fucking tea." He's like, "Does he know you're on the...?" No, he doesn't know my show. He probably doesn't know you're on the show. So I went and got tea. And I walked and knocked on the door and he opened it and his assistant opened the door. I said, "This is Prince's tea." [2:24:35] He says, he doesn't drink tea. [2:24:37] I was like, [2:24:38] Okay, no. And Prince is looking, and he's like...

[2:24:43] Close the door to the thing. What the fuck was that about? Where was my fucking tea? I go get tea. [2:24:49] Well, listen. [2:24:50] That seems insane. That's insane. [2:24:54] But it was just awkward. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So the next time I'm in Vegas, I'm going to my own room. You didn't talk to him at all after that? No. When you were on the show together? No. He did his thing. I came and Jay brings us all on at the end. This is everything's Prince and Carrot Top. And Prince declined to go out for the closing. But you can see it. He's like, we had Prince. Can't... [2:25:20] Thank you. [2:25:21] Do you think he was embarrassed that he told you to get his tea? [2:25:24] No, I think he was out of his mind. No, maybe. Maybe he thought, oh, shit. No, but he would have said thank you. [2:25:30] For my tea, the girl's like, [2:25:32] He doesn't want tea. I'm like, he just asked me for fucking tea. All right. [2:25:38] That follows along with my theory about that kind of talent. [2:25:42] I always think you have to be at least somewhat insane or have a relationship. You have to have a relationship with insanity. [2:25:49] which is probably why I joined Jehovah's Witness. [2:25:52] Yeah. And decided to stop swearing. It's like he wanted some structure, right? [2:25:56] He's probably had a relationship with insanity. Probably. I mean, he had a troubled – we all know that. It was a rough patch there for him. But the best one was I was going to my room at the MGM Grand at the top suites, whatever the hell they're called.

[2:26:14] It's after the show and they have the little girls at the end of the, you know, the check you in at the top. "Morning Mr. Thompson. How was your show? Awful." And I start walking down the hall and there's this big, big black, I mean big black guy just standing right in the center of the hallway. So I'm walking towards him and I'm like, "Oh, no." [2:26:34] you know. [2:26:35] I'm getting closer to him, so I said, hey, how's it going? And... [2:26:39] I saw him go like, you know, I can't go by him. [2:26:42] So I said, [2:26:44] Oh, I'm sorry. [2:26:46] I need to go to my... He's... You can't go past here. I said... [2:26:51] I'm going to have to go to my room. He says, you're not going by me. He wasn't mean about it, but he says, you're not going to go by me. And I made a joke like, I can probably get by you. You're being funny. I said, I can probably get by you pretty quick. [2:27:05] didn't laugh so I said all right I went back to the girl at the front down I said is that guy work here [2:27:11] She's like, "Who?" I said, "The guy in the hallway." "No, what? What guy?" I said, "That guy." [2:27:16] No. I said, well, you won't let me go buy them. [2:27:20] She's like, I'll go with you. So she walks with me. I said, I brought back up. I mean, I get this little old lady. Right. I brought back up. We're getting through you. And he's like... [2:27:30] Sir, he needs to go to his room. He's like, I'm sorry, you can't come by me. [2:27:34] And I just kind of... [2:27:36] I figured there's got to be something behind him. [2:27:38] And I kind of do one of these like, well, I just got to get – [2:27:42] And it's Prince, and he's standing. He's only, you know, this guy is three times his size, and Prince is standing behind him.

[2:27:50] Yeah. [2:27:51] So I just... [2:27:52] I see Prince. [2:27:54] And he goes... [2:27:55] Hey, I said, can I go to my room? He goes... [2:28:00] Yeah. [2:28:01] I said, can you tell him? And he goes, tell who? I said, the guy. [2:28:06] Like he's not with him? He said, yeah, let Carrot Top go to his room. And he goes, he goes one of these. And I walked by him. He's just, Prince is just standing, just standing behind this guy in the hall. Like, I don't know what he was doing even. He was just standing there. He was just standing. Probably writing a new song in his head. Maybe he was writing, I don't know. But it was just the weirdest. And he just said, hey. And I said, thanks, Prince. He said, no problem. Boy, he's a weird guy. That's why he's so good. Yeah. I just never forget that. I was like, ah. I don't think anybody gets that good without being really out of their mind. Yeah. [2:28:36] You know? No. You got to be out there, man. He is standing there behind this guy. That's funny. It wasn't like, it wasn't on his phone. It's a funny thing to do. It wasn't like. That's a funny thing to do. Playing. Stand out there with a giant dude in front of you. You just stand there behind him. [2:28:53] Maybe he was waiting on a girl to come out of the room. That's all I could think of. Maybe. But he was just standing there. [2:28:58] Amen. [2:28:59] And I look back and, thanks, Prince. He's a no-problem character. Remember when he had to use a symbol because he didn't have the rights to use his name? Right, a record label. That's so insane. You go back to Billy Joel's song, I Am the Entertainer. [2:29:10] Like, this is that, too. It's the same thing. Music business fucking with one of the all-time greats. I was just reading about Billy Joel. His first record deal, he almost fucked everything up. He signed everything away for 15 years. Oh, my God. Yeah. 1973. Some guy saw him perform that song you were talking about, and he was like, we've got to figure this out. Wow. Captain Jack? Yeah. Oh, wow. Captain Jack is a great fucking song. Have you ever seen him do it live? No. Oh, buddy. God damn.

[2:29:40] Thank you. [2:29:42] Can we play it and cut it out? Yeah, let's play it and cut it out. Find an old version of him doing it live from the 1970s. [2:29:50] If you can, if it's possible. Yeah, there's a whole thing in the documentary right now about Billy Joel. Look at this. How quick is this? 1976, Captain Jack. [2:29:59] from Connecticut, [2:30:03] Live 1976. [2:30:06] We'll come back, ladies and gentlemen. Now we're back. Going back to, we were talking about music earlier. [2:30:13] How good was that song? That's what I'm saying, though. We have this – I'm sure everyone has the same discussion about music and da-da-da-da. These songs, everything from that era, the 60s, 70s, 80s, is still relevant and amazing. [2:30:27] But it's hard to find. I don't know if they just don't play it, too. You've got to find the artists, man. You've got to find the artists. [2:30:38] There's a lot of artists out there. I still listen to, you know. Yeah, but there's great guys right now, man. There's Jelly Roll right now. Oh, he's amazing. Oliver Anthony. [2:30:47] He's amazing. Um, [2:30:50] Teddy swims. [2:30:52] That dude. Do you know who that guy is? Oh my god. Play The Door. [2:30:56] By Teddy Swims. [2:30:59] What's that? [2:31:00] We can't play music anymore. Just like we'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. I'll just say that. [2:31:04] We'll cut it out. [2:31:06] Sorry. [2:31:07] But I just want you to listen to this. You fuck with your crowd. You say, okay, now here, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard. Check this out. Yeah, but people will just go and listen to it. No, you come back and you go, right? Listen to this. Listen to this song.

[2:31:19] Great. You get it. That's great. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. See, they're out there, man. Yeah, I know. There's a lot of dudes out there. I guess when I'm old like me, I just get stubborn. I go, oh, what do you listen to? I'm like, oh, Elton John, Billy Joel. No, I'll give you some shit to listen to. What the fuck? I'll give you some shit to listen to. There's some great shit out there. I try to. I just get so, I'm old. You listen to Zach Bryant at all? I love Zach Brown. Yeah, I love Zach Brown. Zach Bryant. I love Zach Brown, too, but Zach Bryant. Oh, Zach Bryant. He's the guy that was at the arena with Shane Gillis. [2:31:49] know him no i don't wait do i not know him phenomenal he's phenomenal phenomenal and another one of those guys is just like super super talented an incredible voice he was in the military man he was making songs on like tiktok in the military one of those things like vine or something like that and that's how he popped i know [2:32:07] Just... [2:32:08] like right out of nowhere. That's crazy. I'm out of the army. You're going to be a fucking star, kid. Superstar. I think he was in the Navy. [2:32:15] What arena were they at? [2:32:18] Notre Dame How many people is in that? [2:32:23] I'll show you. I mean, it's a hundred thousand. Is there a picture of them on stage? A lot, yeah. I want to see a picture of them on stage. [2:32:32] That's so surreal. [2:32:34] Yeah. Those numbers are so surreal. Look at the size of that. That's so crazy.

[2:32:44] It's like the Luxor every night. There's nothing different. Basically the same. It's the same. [2:32:48] What's the biggest show you've ever done? Stadium and... [2:32:52] Florida. What is that? But that was for their homecoming. It wasn't a Carrot Top show. I was the headliner, but it was a... [2:33:01] Look at this. Oh, look at that. That's crazy. [2:33:05] Thank you. [2:33:07] Wow. [2:33:08] He was so nervous about doing it, too. I can't wait to talk to him. Oh, I imagine. Well, how could you not be? Well, my thing with the stadium, because, you know, they do a soundtrack there, but the stadium's empty. And it was, you know, 100,000 people. [2:33:23] um [2:33:24] This side was going to be the alumni. This side was the kids, you know. [2:33:30] all ages. Now, they had rules. You couldn't curse. You definitely couldn't do anything sexual. So, Mike, thank God I brought all this stupid shit. It was just, you know, [2:33:40] meant for, is a bong with, you know. Right. [2:33:44] The open guy goes out, and his first joke is like, I'm eating this chick out, right? My guy comes running in like, dude, my boy, he's like, his opening line was, I'm eating this girl. And I said, no. He goes, yeah. [2:33:55] I'm like, well, second guy goes out, same thing. He's just, they're beyond... [2:34:02] rotten, gross, dirty, right? [2:34:06] And I'm getting ready to go up, and I'm like... [2:34:08] Well, I'm going to eat shit now because they went here. [2:34:12] But the crowd wanted...

[2:34:15] Goofy. [2:34:16] They had heard all this. It was actually working in my advantage. They did all this horrible, dirty stuff. The crowd was kind of like, let's get Carrot Top. And I came up and I was like, you know. [2:34:26] I did my exact thing I was supposed to do. Silly, goofy, you know, both sides. They loved it. But the weirdest thing, and I'd love to ask him that, [2:34:34] if you've never played a stadium, is... [2:34:37] You see... [2:34:38] You know, hey, and it goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, four times, a back slap, whatever they call that. Oh, echo? Yeah. So I didn't, in soundcheck, it wasn't doing that. [2:34:49] So I went out and I said something like, "Florida, I'm from Florida." I was like, "Florida, my hometown." I said, "Florida, my hometown, Florida, my hometown." [2:34:59] Oh, shit. Like, in my head, I didn't know what I was going to do in that split second. And I said, um... [2:35:05] I said, wow, wow, wow. One thing cool about playing in the stadium, stadium, stadium, is that every joke that's going to bomb is going to bomb four times, four times, four times. And the crowd went like crazy. And I said, no, seriously, that ain't shit, ain't shit. And it just worked off that echo. It was great. Well, you figured out how to work with it. Right, right, right. In a split second. I'm like, yeah. That's the way to do it. That joke sucks, sucks, sucks four times. God, imagine not... [2:35:29] Just ignoring the fact that you hear yourself four times? No, I know, and you have to time out your... right! It was the weirdest thing ever. You're holding up a thing and you're like, "It's a thing, it's a thing, it's a thing." And you have to hold it longer till they see it to put it down. It's weird. I remember when I used to work at Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts. It was like a concert venue. And I was there when Bill Cosby was there. And

[2:35:55] The problem with comedy in that place is that it was outdoors, so the inside of it was all covered – [2:36:03] like there was like an inside space it was open air right there was a roof over it it was all covered and then there was a lawn area and the meadow brook and they sold tickets for the lawn [2:36:14] But you could only hear the show inside the roof area because once it got out, all the echo fucked it up so bad when it made it out into the lawn. You could understand what the fuck anybody said. You had to be in there where the speakers were. [2:36:27] And so everybody was furious. They were all complaining. Like, oh, they never checked. Like, no one checked to see if you could hear someone talk out here. That's crazy. Crazy. Crazy. [2:36:37] These kids today. I don't know what he was saying. The dentist coming there. Yeah. [2:36:42] I saw Dangerfield there. He was backstage. So backstage when Dangerfield would do shows, he would get high as fuck. He would take off all of his clothes and he would put a robe on. So he'd go on stage with a bathrobe on, just raw dick and a bathrobe and with slippers on. And dude, he fucking murdered. Murdered. [2:37:01] I was, I guess I was like 19 years old when I was working there. And he went up there and I was... [2:37:07] Not even thinking about doing stand-up comedy yet. [2:37:10] So I was just loving it just as a pure fan. I was like, I can't believe Rodney J. J. Fields just hanging out with a bathrobe on. That's true, because that's what he was known for. Even Vegas, he'd go around the casino in a robe and flip it. I saw him. I didn't see his dick, but I saw him in a bathrobe, and I saw him go on stage in a bathrobe. And that was his move. No, I saw it. He walked up in his dress room on purpose, undone. I swear to God. I said, hey, Rodney.

[2:37:40] It's my mom. He goes, hey, mom. And you just stand there. Yeah, my mom's like. [2:37:46] Crazy, right? And he meant to. He looked at me like, how's mom doing? I'm like, great. She's like, your thing is hanging in. In our dressing room at the club, his wife donated his notes from an appearance on The Tonight Show. So it's his handwritten notes, and they're all framed with a photo of Rodney. Yeah, it's pretty cool. One of the things I loved about him, man, is that he introduced the world to a lot of other great comics. He introduced the world to Kinison, Hicks. Right. [2:38:16] Robert Schimmel, Dom Irera, Jerry Seinfeld, like a lot of comics did. Yeah. [2:38:23] A lot of comics did those HBO Young Comedian specials. Well, that's what you're doing as well, and Tony is doing that because you give all the comics – [2:38:32] time on your show, which most shows don't have that anymore, right? No, a lot of comics do. A lot of shows don't. But comics that have podcasts all do this. Right. But I mean, but you've made a lot of people have podcasts now. You're a powerful person behind that. But listen, I think people were going to have podcasts whether I did or not. But giving people the platform, like, fuck it, I'm on, oh, you got me on here. You know, other shows, like late night shows, don't have comics anymore. They don't. Well, that's so silly. [2:39:02] You have to have a book to promote. Because it's all – the whole show was – not to knock late-night shows because some of them are fun to watch. But it's basically – it's publicity for a bunch of stuff, right? It's like someone's coming on to promote an album. Someone's coming on to promote a movie. Nothing wrong with that, right? But the problem is it's not what the host is interested in, right? Right.

[2:39:23] I think [2:39:24] The way that those shows are, you're handicapped in a way where you have to get on the famous people. You have to get on the rock star. You have to – you can't just have weird people come on. You can't have some guy who worked for the CIA come on and tell you about aliens. Right, right. This is what I know so far. But that would be the – whatever guest, like the third middle guest. You can't do that though. You can't do it. First of all, you only have 10 minutes. Each guest is like in and out real quick. You have barely enough time to scratch the surface of like one or two stories. You don't get any kind of deep dive. [2:39:54] I don't know how many times I did the tonight show, but I never was promoting anything. In fact, the only time I had something to actually promote, they didn't want to put me on. I said, I'm trying to promote Chairman of the Board, this movie. That's hilarious. [2:40:07] The one time you wanted to help. I really did. No, I did. I have this movie coming out. Yeah, I remember that movie. Yeah, they're like, nah. I'm like, I got a movie, Jay. I got a, you know, I'm in a movie. [2:40:18] Now the weirdest one, I was going to reverse this to you, who's the strangest, you said strange guest made me think of this, that you've had to do? [2:40:27] in front of [2:40:30] I'll tell you mine real quick. So I was on The Tonight Show and Dick Cheney was on. Oh. [2:40:36] Nothing against it. I mean, it's a genuine sulfur.

[2:40:43] Maybe six props. [2:40:45] Dick Cheney props, on purpose, right? Because Dick Cheney was there. No. I had like three just because I'm topical all the time in the show. Oh, so you already have them. I already have them in my show. But then when they said, Dick, you're going to be on with Dick Cheney, I said, oh, shit, can I do – and so I started writing more. [2:41:00] So I had like six, and I opened with them. But the weird part was I get there and we're rehearsing at a secret service. Everybody's there. I can't even get to my own room. [2:41:10] Prince's guy is, you can't go by again. So I... [2:41:14] I finally rehearsed it and they're like... [2:41:17] The people are like... [2:41:19] you know, he's going to be a guest. I said, well, no, it's just why I'm doing it, right? And she's like... [2:41:23] You know, I don't know. I said, well... [2:41:27] You know, it's very topical. And I think it's funny that he's there, right? [2:41:33] So Jay, this is right before the show. He said, "Is he gonna stay or is he gonna leave?" Because Secret Service is surrounding me, like gonna go grab him and go. And Jay's like, "Well, I don't know. I mean, I can ask him." And I'm thinking, "Well, just between you and me, I mean, this is like behind the curtain." [2:41:52] What do you think? Is it better if he's there? [2:41:55] And I do it and they keep cutting over to him. Or if he's gone and I do it and I keep looking like, thank God he's gone. What's funnier? And he's like, I don't know. I mean, if you're fine. I said, I think if he could stay, it would be better. [2:42:08] Because it's really funny. I'm doing it right in front of the fucking guy. So they said, okay. So they go back. He talks. He goes back. He says, okay, he's saying.

[2:42:16] He goes back to the desk and they're like, "Ladies, please welcome me to the phone of the Tho." And I came out. Great impression. Yeah. Good friend of the Tho. Wacky guy from Vegas. As I walk out and I do right off, I look over and I said, "Hey." [2:42:31] I said, it's funny that you're here. And I pull out, you probably can find this. We pull it out, and I have a Dick Cheney gun, and it's a rifle with a rifle. [2:42:41] Thing goes this way because he shot the guy right and I mean it's already like holy fuck right like I found your gun I'm sorry bill and it's like I [2:42:51] The crowd didn't know at first because they're all looking at him. They're looking at him. They just can't feel loud. Yeah. [2:42:56] Did he laugh? He's got that, you know, just pissed, right? So I – [2:43:03] I go, right, and I do another one. I had an operation game. You know, the operation had his face on it because he was always getting operated. I had a book where the thing – it was just like five or six Dick Cheney jokes. Finally, I keep looking over. I'm like, you know, we're good. You're not going to have me audited or I'm going to be killed here. And, you know, now the crowd's really getting – and now Cheney's looking at me like, how many more fucking – he even says, how many more do we – I said, I got one more and then we'll move on. [2:43:33] Now he's kind of laughing, but still kind of like, this is aggravating. Then I go and I do... [2:43:40] a piggy bank for gay guys and it's a piggy bank where the slot is in the asshole instead of the top of the thing, right? It's a great prop. It's a piggy bank for gay guys.

[2:43:52] Murders. I mean, I did a great, great set. I get done. I walk over. I sit down. [2:43:58] And there's something going on, like there's a ruckus. There's like Secret Service, something going on, the writers, the producers. And Jay gets up and I'm just sitting there with Dick Cheney. And the lady comes over and she goes, oh my God, that was the best set you've ever done. I said, thank you, Tracy. And she said, I look over and I said, thank you for being a good sport. Where do you find all this? I said, no, I make it. He thought, I just found it all. I said, no, I make, where do you find all this stuff? I said, I made it. You made that? [2:44:27] It's pretty clever. His daughter is... [2:44:30] is there [2:44:32] you [2:44:33] And apparently all those Dick Cheney jokes were fine. But when I did the gay piggy bank, [2:44:38] She lost her mind. [2:44:40] like, [2:44:41] You can't do that. [2:44:42] No, I don't know. Lost him on like – [2:44:46] Like really mad that I did a piggy bank joke on the show. Forget I just did five jokes about her father. So everyone was taking her out of the studio. [2:44:57] She was losing her – she was screaming, and so they took her out of the studio. Just the gay piggy bank? That's it? Yeah. It was like, I can't believe that you – in front of my father. And I thought you were making fun of me because I'm doing a dick – you know, he shot your dad. The gay piggy bank is what set her off? It was the gay piggy bank. Is this Liz Cheney? I think. I don't know. You think? It was one of the daughters. I don't know. How many daughters do you have? I don't know. That's why I think it might have been – two? Just two. One of the daughters. Let's just say one of the daughters. One of the daughters. I don't think it was –

[2:45:27] Allegedly. Allegedly. Could have been an imposter. It was a crazy person pretending to be one of the daughters. Dick Cheney's daughter Liz are both staunchly against Donald Trump despite being Republicans. But why are Liz and Mary once feuding over same-sex marriage? [2:45:43] How are they feuding over that? Let's find out. [2:45:48] I was trying to add. When was this? [2:45:53] I know you're trying to add, but now I'm curious. Like, wait, this article is from a year ago. [2:45:57] What? A year ago, someone's upset about same-sex marriage. What are they saying? [2:46:03] I had another prop that – Hold on. The election was a year ago, so it was out of to do with that. That's why they mentioned Donald Trump in that. Right. Well, what is the same-sex marriage dispute between – I don't know. Because I need to know. Some people are still arguing about that in 2025. One of them is gay. [2:46:22] Okay, and they believe in same-sex marriage, the other one doesn't? It would be funny if it was the other way around. If the gay was like, I want it to be illegal. I don't know which one. I don't know which daughter. I don't either. I'm assuming it was probably the one that was gay maybe then. Maybe it's just like two daughters just hating on each other. It's like, well, I don't think you should get married. [2:46:52] I had a big map, a big map that I'd hold up, and I'd say, hey, gay marriage is now legal, and this is a map to show people, and it would have these – right where the states were, there were these little penises on springs or whatever, and it was so – it was just dumb, right?

[2:47:10] So – [2:47:11] I rehearse it, and the crew is fucking going crazy. They're like, ah, Sky, fucking dildos. And, you know, you can't do a dildos on NBC. And so this lady comes over, and she goes, you can't – I said, I know. I've done it. [2:47:26] I mean, I think it's silly enough. They're just on springs. I would always fight with her. She said, no. So I said, no. [2:47:34] Okay. [2:47:35] All right, if I come up with a different... [2:47:37] idea without dicks on it can I do it [2:47:40] She's like, yeah. So I thought... [2:47:44] I don't know, dude. I took the springs off, and I had the guys back there at The Tonight Show print out Ryan Seacrest's faces, like four of them. Right. And I put them, where are the gay marriages? Now, Ryan Seacrest is a good friend of mine, and everyone was making fun of him, right? Back then, oh, he's gay, and he's not, clearly. But the joke would be, and it killed, right? It's funny. So I come back, and I go, how about this? And she's like, oh, my God. I said, I know him. [2:48:14] He'll probably text me and say, why would you do that? [2:48:18] Jay comes over and goes, oh, you know, he's really a good friend of mine. I said, no, Jay, he's a friend of mine too. It's funny. It's not anything. He's like, yeah, if you really – if you could not do that one. That dude does not seem hypersensitive. [2:48:33] Is he? No. No. But Jay was very protective of it. I said, no. He said, no, you know, it's NBC. That's my friend. I don't think it's necessary. I said, well, yeah.

[2:48:43] I can put like... You want me to put like... [2:48:46] like I said, like Richard Nixon dicks or something. He said, no, just get rid of the joke. I said, it's funny. [2:48:54] Fuck. We're fighting over Ryan Crease. That's the problem with having editorial access to someone's act when they're doing a Tonight Show set. It should be like, no. It should be like, look, if you want... [2:49:06] Fucking the black crows to play they sing their song. You know what the song is that you know what the lyrics are? That's fine. But with a comic [2:49:14] You can't tell them they can't do something. Well, they asked nicely. They asked nicely. And, of course, I had 40 other props. I didn't need to do that. I don't like you're even swearing. Like, what are you doing? You're being silly. It's silly. Like, come on. I did break the law with him once. What'd you do? I was doing a podium for Bill Clinton. It was the closing bit. And I would do the stupid voice to him like I did not. And there was this presidential seal on this podium. [2:49:43] And it had a true-false buzzer button. It would go bing, bing, bing. And... [2:49:49] It was just so stupid. You know, like I did not have – and you hit the button. I did not have – I will not raise to – and then, you know, I fucked her ding, ding, ding, something. I forgot the joke now. But the closing punch of the whole thing was right after I'm doing the podium. That would kill. I could just stop on that. I had a foot pedal where Monofluwinski's head would come up like on a beret, literally. This is great. It took hard – it took engineering to do this. And so I'd go, I did not. And then I hit the foot pedal.

[2:50:19] And the woman, the beret would come up, and I'd go, not now. It's just – that's all I had. It's just not now. [2:50:27] In the rehearsal, it was just, it was the, they were like, that's the best thing you've ever brought here. My God. Yeah, great. [2:50:34] Here comes my lady. [2:50:36] with her new pad. And I said, oh, fuck. She goes, everything... [2:50:41] It's good. Standards and practice. I said, oh, and I give her a hug. I said, this is the first time I've come and everything got approved. And she says, yeah. [2:50:50] I went back to my dressing room. I can't believe I get to do this. My closing bed the fuck is going to get right before. [2:50:57] I'm talking a minute before I come in. She walks in. She's like, okay, fine. [2:51:01] You can do the podium, but you can't [2:51:03] You can't [2:51:04] put her head down. [2:51:07] And I said... [2:51:08] You can't use your hand to force your head down. That's just, it can't, it can come up. [2:51:15] You just can't. [2:51:16] force it down. [2:51:17] I run to the prop department. I said, "Is there a way you can..." Because I'd made it. They don't know my... They're looking at it like, "I don't know. I made it. Is there a way I can release and go down without me touching it?" [2:51:30] And they're like, I don't know. They looked at it, and I'm on in five minutes. I said, fuck it. So I do the whole thing. I said, I did not. And the head comes up, and I said, not now. And I use my elbow to put it down. And, of course, the crowd, it killed. And it would have been better if I did this. But I said, not now. I get done. I come over, and I can see her fucking fuming. She comes running over me. Because they always come and say, what a great set. Oh, you did so good.

[2:51:55] Tracy Fist did. She said, that was phenomenal. I said, Jay's like, do I get that? And I said, the stands in practice lady coming over. Ah, fuck. And I said, am I in trouble? She's like... [2:52:12] I said, "I didn't do that." [2:52:15] The show's over. Thank you. Tomorrow night. And then she comes over. Okay. If I get fired over this. I said, you're not going to get fired over this. Oh, no. They've already bleeped it out on the West Coast. The East Coast, it went live. I said, bleep out what? You can't force her head. I said, I didn't force it. I didn't use my hand. I used my elbow. She just looked at me like, you fucking, like, so clever. I said, well, you said don't use my hand. [2:52:41] So everything was fine after that. But it did get bleeped out. And it just, it went, you know, fucked the joke up because they went, I did not. And then, you know, edited it right to just, goodnight. There wasn't a punchline. [2:52:54] Yeah. [2:52:58] Well... [2:52:58] You ever get in trouble for something? Not like that, no. This is when I got in trouble. I got banned from Fox News. [2:53:04] I think for life, for this. For something else? This is really weird, yeah. I was in the country, no, Billboard Music Awards, and they asked me to do... [2:53:15] a little bit with Chris Rock. It was Chris Rock and me. And, you know, it was such great... [2:53:21] together because he's like, you know, top, you know, and I'm out there, it was stupid, but Chris Rock is, you know.

[2:53:28] Fee and I go out, we do our rehearsal, and I had like four props. [2:53:33] Or something. And the guy came over like in a panic, right? Middle of the show. It's already happened. Our bit's coming up in about 40 minutes. He says, I need you guys to go longer. Yeah. [2:53:45] And Chris Rock's like, um, bye. [2:53:48] What do you want? He said, just come up with something. And I said, well, I can go. I can I can have my guy go back to the MGM and grab a few more props. That'd be awesome. Chris was like, yeah, perfect. You know, we'll kill the time without having to change too much. [2:54:01] And I can just pull out more shit. [2:54:04] I go and I tell my guy, go TV clean. Get like this. Get the thing, the towel with the misspelled thing and then the toilet seats. [2:54:15] So... [2:54:17] I added – it was a great joke. It was a toilet seat with a seatbelt. So when you eat a Taco Bell, right, you sit on it and I put it on. And the sound effect on the show would say, Houston, we have a problem. And it's a great, stupid little bit. But there's about 20 toilet seats leading up to that one. I was like – I'm not kidding. I had like 30 toilet seats. And one that held women's hair when they throw up. I had one that lights up. I had one with spikes on it. So the last one was the seatbelt, right? [2:54:47] So it's – [2:54:48] Very clean, right? [2:54:50] It does great. We walk back, and I'm thinking they're going to come high-five me because we just saved the show. We added time they needed.

[2:54:58] The guy's like... [2:55:01] They banned me because I... [2:55:04] said Taco Bell because it was sponsored by Taco Bell. How the fuck am I supposed to know it's sponsored by Taco Bell? That's real shit. Yeah. [2:55:16] Dude, that's hilarious. I'm like, I didn't say fuck. They said, no, you said Taco Bell. I'm like, oh my God, that's so funny. How do I get fined for that? You fought your band for life. That's hilarious. Because I said Taco Bell. I didn't know. I mean, I'm not the guy. They should have come to me and said, don't do anything with Taco Bell. Yes. 100%. That's not on you. [2:55:34] That's a normal reference for a comic. That's funny. Yeah, not funny, really. I mean, funny now. They would have been pumped if you said Del Taco. Oh, right. Yeah, go after the competitors. Now, see, if they told me that, I would have. Yeah, easy. I would have done that. Hey, brother, this was a lot of fun. Thank you for doing this again. Yeah, thank you. It was a lot of fun. And I'm looking forward to seeing you on Kill Tony. And anybody who wants to check him out, Carrot Top is at the Luxor in Las Vegas, Nevada on a regular basis. What's the best way to find out when you're there? [2:56:04] Yeah, Las Vegas. I mean, Carrot Top.com or Las Vegas. Beautiful. All right, my man. Thank you. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. All right. Bye, everybody.

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